14 Characteristics of High-Performing People: Being Transparent

What Are You Afraid Of? 

Lynn was flooded with thoughts when we started the discussion of transparency.  “I think transparency is one of the most obvious elements that can indicate somebody's level of fear or love.”  She continued: 

“All through my school years, I was so afraid of being criticized that I didn't share anything with anybody.  I was not transparent because I was afraid of what was gonna come back at me. I feared the negative feedback, being told I'm wrong or not good enough.  I don't remember any specific incident that started me on that path, but I'm sure there was one that had me shutting down more than is the norm for a kid.”    

Describing the current situation, she feels that most of the people at work won't tell you how they really feel because they're afraid that they're going to get written up or that they'll be fired.  There’ll be a snitch, or another coworker will look down on them for being too cozied up to management.  Social punishment will come. 

Being transparent is so connected to revealing one’s level of authenticity; when you're transparent you reveal everything that is real about you.  When you're secure in that, you don't hide.  If people don't love and accept you and put you in their circle, you still walk through life being okay. 

Fear vs. Love 

You can almost think of transparency in fear or love as an opacity setting for your inner self.  This concept ties back to our Fear: Love spectrum.  On one end there’s fear.  It is completely opaque - you can't see anything behind the façade.  Then as you travel along the path away from fear, you move toward that loving spirit –loving energy – where you know you're okay no matter what someone else thinks.  You become more transparent.  It may never be zero opacity because there are some things that we just don't choose to share.  It depends on the relationship level, and transparency can fluctuate within a relationship depending on the circumstances.  It may ebb and flow within a situation, but the goal is to get back that trust and faith again.   

People who understand how important transparency is in building relationships have a default setting when they meet new people who seem opaque.   This is normal; you can judge this when you meet someone in a casual pass on the street.  “Hey, how’s it going?”  “Hey, good, how are you?”  Next, you go past that level and you meet for coffee – to get to know them.  Is it hard to get them to open up at all?  Are they willing to share a viewpoint on a potentially contentious topic that comes up in conversation?  How much are they willing to be candid when you ask a caring and thoughtful (and curious) question?  We’ve talked before about how to ask curiously: You know I'm very curious to know your thoughts on the universe regarding spirituality.    

 A transparent person will share some of what they think but maybe not all of it at first.  But, combined with other character elements you might sense that you want to get to know him or her better.  Maybe you feel like you could talk forever about those types of things once you build a connection with transparency. 

If you’re looking for a mercenary, short-term partnership of convenience, a transactional relationship, you don’t need much transparency.  When you go to McDonald’s to get a burger, you don’t need that cashier to be transparent at all.  You just need them to punch in the order accurately, take your money and give you your food!

Sometimes a transactional relationship is all that’s required but for almost all other things you need some level of see-through-ness.  Lynn said you can foster transparency by accepting others – void of judgment – that’s the way to support somebody to trust the concept of being transparent.  The other way is the way that she went.  She learned to trust and love herself and put that before needing to be loved and accepted by others. 

Lies, and The Lying Liars Who Lie 

If you're talking about raising children who learn to be transparent and loving you're talking about acceptance.  Ben always has very pragmatic examples to illustrate the concepts we present.  “Acceptance is big in our house - if we do one thing well it's that one.”  Kids lie a normal amount – whatever you consider normal for a kid – “It wasn’t me.”  “I don’t know how that got there.”  “I forgot.” 

“My oldest rarely lies at all now at home, which I think is huge for a 10-year-old.  She’ll lie to other people all day long, but she won't lie to me or her mom because we spent ten years reinforcing two things:  

1. Lying leads to trouble. 

1. It’s okay to make mistakes, just clean it up afterward.” 

It’s accepted, so if you spilled something or broke something, all I need is honest information so we can figure out how to fix it.   She's had ten years and I think has finally bought into the fact that kids in my house don't get in trouble for breaking things.  They might get in trouble in a more authoritarian or authoritative household, but not here.  You don't get in trouble for spilling your drink, you don't even get in trouble for hitting your siblings (although you might get a timeout to cool off).  We are more interested in talking about how we will clean up that relationship or how we will clean up the broken thing.  If needed, how are you going to make amends for having broken your sister’s toy?  Will you glue it together or go buy her a new one?   

There’s no judgment – you’re wrong for breaking her toy and you better make it up to her – so you can get out of being wrong.  It’s more important to repair the relationship!  A lot of the time, my kids will forgive themselves and each other if they break something: “No, it’s all right, I don’t need it that much.  I was upset that it was broken but I don’t care enough about it.”  You can only get that through that loving acceptance which is the breeding ground to realizing you don’t have to lie to protect yourself.  You move past the fear of punishment and you’re into a sense of belonging and empowerment. 

Themes 

All of these character traits are connected, and they relate to our previous blog series on assertiveness.  Within the context of transparency, think about them as windows, or lenses.  Think about them as gems – glittery sparkly things – a diamond of 14 facets.  That’s a polygon shape called, a tetradecahedron, where each facet is a window to your core character values.  You can express fear or love through any of these windows, depending on whether that side is darkened by fear or brightened by love.   

Transparency allows people to see into the windows.  It means you hold back the curtain a little bit so people can get to know you, and then, you build on that.  The more transparent you are at the outset the quicker people see the real you – because, hey, everybody wants to relate to the real you!  They don't want to relate with the you that you think they want to relate to.  You’ll have to keep track of which version you reveal to which person – that’s too much work.   

“Come in! And know me better, man!”  The Ghost of Christmas Present in A Christmas Carol

Lynn had an interaction with one of her senior leaders early in the mentoring process.  Whenever Lynn asked a question, the leader would always preface her response with, “Well I'm just a very private person.”  Lynn knew that she was just afraid to show herself so eventually started to challenge the leader.  “It doesn’t have anything to do with privacy, I’m not interested in your bank account number, I have no reason to know that information.  But I do have an interest and a reason to want to relate to you.  You are afraid of engaging in conversation about a topic that is of common interest.”  People mask their fear by saying something that they think the other person will accept, but whatever they are masking, it's a lack of transparency. 

Masks vs. Hats 

This leads to a discussion of masks versus hats.  We do wear different hats – we make different relational choices when we are in different settings.  Think of your work hat and then the hat you wear at a family gathering or maybe with a group of close friends.  The important thing to know is: Are you presenting falsehoods?  If a co-worker came to your family party, would they recognize you?   

Ben said he used to wear a lot of masks but called them hats.  At work, he was professional, buttoned-down, but at home, he was careless, even flippant.  He realized that even negative people can put on a positive front, and play a positive game when it serves a purpose.  He masked his behavior to meet others’ expectations.  Now, he works at being the best Effective Ben he can be in relation to the organizational goals.  Here is an example.  If you see him at home on Christmas, he’ll be enjoying a glass of wine.  That doesn’t mean he is a liar because he doesn’t drink at work.  It just means his behavior is appropriate to the occasion (or situation).  If you stop by his family gathering, he’ll be the first one to offer you a glass of wine, because it fits the setting.  On the other hand, if he told you at work that he’s a teetotaler and never drinks, that’s a mask.  It doesn’t match the statement of his persona (or character) and you’re not seeing the real person.  Masks kill trust. 

It's very easy to tell when someone's wearing a mask, they show up as guarded and overly defensive.  You can’t figure out general likes and dislikes; they won’t answer any sort of personal question. 

“What's your favorite color?”  “Why do you want to know?” 

Maybe it’s clear they're trying to be the person that they think you want them to be.  Maybe they're trying so hard to fit in with the culture that they act in a way that's disingenuous.  Middle school is a great lesson for teaching this.  In a classroom with 35 kids, there will be 35 non-transparent people.  They haven't learned it yet.  Also, they're trying to figure out who the cool kids are and how they can act like one.  There’s no transparency, they’re all trying on different masks and when they find one that works, they’ll wear it for a while.  It’s part of the maturing process within a microcosm of peers.  The trap is, that if you wear a mask long enough, it becomes part of your face.  You start to believe it is your face.  It leads to self-loathing because you know it's not you, but you don't know how to take it off.  You become the person portrayed by the mask because you think that means acceptance.  Your real identity is lost. 

Real acceptance?  It comes through transparency.  You need to be honest with yourself and accept yourself first then if you get acceptance from others, that’s great.  Most of us surround ourselves with like-minded folks, others who support us in our natural state.  That helps the process; you feel like you can be more transparent because you needn’t fear criticism or negativity.   

A Trust-Based Foundation 

We can link transparency back to trust.  Go back up one level: If I have faith in you and you have faith in me, we know that we both want the best in our relationship.  We sit down for a cup of coffee, and it will be easier for us to accept each other.  It means it will be easier for us to be transparent, so we will get to know the real version of each other.  We build trust.  Loop it back to faith – it is built up.  If you do it right, this is how you can have really close friends whose views are the opposite of yours.