14 Characteristics of High-Performing People: Conveying Thoughts Clearly

Clear Communication is Easy! 

Communicating with others is easy, right?  You make a statement, and they nod.  If they raise their eyebrow, you rephrase what you said.  If the other person is skilled, they’ll paraphrase back to you what they think you said.  They may ask a question because they were taught never to assume they know what was said.  Seek to understand is a basic tenet of effective communication – that makes sense!  Do all that and you’ll always have perfect conversations!  Not so fast. 

Prescriptive techniques work sometimes, but they aren’t always the best way to teach communication skills.  Why not?  Sometimes our emotions get in the way.  We are afraid of being vulnerable to others by revealing our true thoughts and feelings.  These emotions cause us to change our communication with others, becoming less clear, and cloudier.  Sometimes, we change to speaking in generalities, or in the detached, third-person mode.  We might make “sideways” comments or inferences.  We are fearful of speaking openly because we aren’t sure how the other person will take what we say.  How will they react?  If I put up a smoke screen of confusion, you won’t know what to think so you won’t belittle or attack me.   

Subconscious Rationalization 

Our mind can detect something it doesn’t want us to hear and create a barrier to our understanding.  It makes assumptions based on past experiences to give us context for the information.  Think about our previous discussions on gossip – we know we should refrain from giving or receiving that kind of information.  Based on that knowledge, one could say that we should never say anything about another person, nor listen when someone else says something.  That is purposeful confusion of the principle because of course there are times when you need to reference another person.  If I am afraid something I’m about to say might be hurtful, I can “flub” it on purpose (make it confusing) so if the other person reacts poorly, I can “fix” it.  “You just don’t understand what I’m saying, so let’s just drop it,” is my response. 

My lack of clarity along with the absence of related information leads me to blame the other person for the cloudy communication.  So, I abandoned my responsibility in the conversation, revealing my arrogance. This careless confusion causes relationships to break down due to a lack of context and meaning.   

What’s Wrong With YOU? 

In River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze Peter Hessler (2001) wrote of his experience as a Peace Corps teacher in Sichuan Province (paraphrased): 

Hessler was teaching English at Fuling Teachers College where he started without knowing any Chinese.  He only spoke in English and the students only spoke Chinese.  Trying to learn the language, Hessler worked with a Chinese translator to practice his pronunciation.  One day while working on a particular phrase, the translator kept saying “Bù zhèngquè” “Bù zhèngquè” “Bù zhèngquè” “Incorrect!”  After so many times, the exasperated translator threw up her hands and said, “A billion Chinese people can say that phrase, why can’t you get it right?”   

The translator’s inability to teach Hessler how to properly say the words and be corrective in a useful way was turned around as she shifted the blame to the student.  She confused the issue and created a crack in the relationship as a result.   

Emotional Discomfort Leads to Confusion 

Lynn works with a client who experiences severe anxiety.  Frequently, when speaking with Sara, she will stop in mid-sentence and Lynn senses she is editing her thoughts before speaking.  This isn’t always a bad thing; some people blurt out every thought that passes through their minds.  In this case, however, Sara said she wanted to tell Lynn something but then seems to be deciding whether to be honest with her.  When this happens, the response is, “I’m confused” or “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know”.  Lynn knows that Sara is afraid to tell the truth, and it restricts her ability to mentor Sara and help her grow emotionally.  It’s a slow, tedious process for Lynn, but she is sensitive to the root cause of the confusion and so she accepts what Sara says.  Getting to the truth of what Sara fears is the goal and having patience and not judging the behavior is important.  At some point, we hope Sara will feel safe telling others what she thinks and feels. 

When fear is expressed through the lens of clarity it leads to confusion.  We are looking at this from a relational, emotional, and psychological perspective, not a clinical perspective.  We’re separating from the textbook version of developing good communication skills by using verbal techniques, as we discussed in the beginning.  Some of the examples we use in our blogs depict emotionally charged situations, but even in a conversation where there's little to no risk emotions are still a factor. 

How Do You Spell Impatient? 

You might have an email exchange with someone about dates for an upcoming event, like Ben’s theater production later this month.  We’ve simplified it a little for this blog, but you’ll get the idea: 

Ben writes: “Thanks Erin, that’s great news!  Steve, what about the logistics and space availability for October 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th, November 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 5th?”  Why did Ben spell out every date so precisely?   

A couple of weeks ago, the original email in this trail had a paragraph in it asking, “Steve, can you check with the venue about the technology walk-through dates and show rehearsal dates we will need to have there?  Additionally, will you ask about us being able to use the space on Thursday or Friday before the tech rehearsal on the 27th and 28th at about 4 o’clock to set up lighting and stage sets?”  

Steve responded, “I told them twice we are doing a Friday and Saturday show.  I’ll go over tech needs with them.  Ben replied, “What about all the dates?”  Steve: “I sent Tammy the information on the dates for equipment move-in and it’s a go.”  Ben: “Awesome!  Just to clarify, we’re good to go for the 27th and 28th for moving in and setting up as well as the 29th and 30th for tech rehearsals and November 1-3 for rehearsals and 4-5 for the show?  I know that’s redundant, but I wanted to shore up the dates.”  Ben added this relational comment to soften the request for clarification – to soften the push – because Steve hadn’t answered the question sufficiently for Ben.   

Steve and Ben are good friends and are both working toward the same goal.  Ben was not angry, but he did get some practice on being patient that day!  Both were taking responsibility for their part in the activity and were timely in their responses.  But the lack of clarity – a communication issue on Steve’s part or impatience on Ben’s part – made Ben want to continue to ask questions.  Steve’s next message read, “They know those dates, good to triple check.”  Before responding – again (!) or just picking up the phone in frustration – Ben noticed there was a separate email from Scott that contained some detailed questions from the venue manager.  He realized that there was a side conversation underway, but Steve hadn’t referenced it in the primary email trail.  That email shared deeper thoughts and relevant information for Ben, so ultimately his needs were met. 

Protect Your Relationships  

The lesson is that if one party is being very specific, but the other party is not, a breakdown will occur.  When people lose focus or feel rushed to respond, whether in an email or in person, it takes longer to resolve any open questions or concerns.  For relationships on any level to stay intact, clarity is important, regardless of whether there is an emotional conflict or not.  

If you feel like having a refresher on communications techniques, here are eight tips from an article from Harvard that may help you improve your skills:   

1. Be clear and concise. 
2. Prepare ahead of time. 
3. Be mindful of nonverbal communication. 
4. Watch your tone. 
5. Practice active listening. 
6. Build your emotional intelligence.  
7. Develop a communication strategy (in your workplace). 
8. Create a positive (organizational) culture. 

Remember that all the tools, tips and techniques you can find won’t change your basic personality.  You still have to be yourself and act authentically.  Your relationships are important, keep that in mind always.  They’ll improve if you are truthful, control your emotions and take responsibility for your actions.