14 Characteristics of High-Performing People: Keeping Things Confidential

Confidential Culture 

People who have high-quality character keep things confidential – it’s their default setting.  They don’t even ask, “Is this just between you and me?”  It’s part of their culture and their mental makeup.  It can be a product of their family culture, reflecting the way they were raised.  In some families, confidentiality is not honored.  Gossip (see our last blog) is shared liberally when people do not value each other or value their privacy.   

In some families, the culture allows for open sharing of other people’s information – their comings and goings, their relationships, and their personal problems.  Lynn learned early in life that if she told a family member something, by the end of the day, the rest of the family would know.  She is aware of the relationships, there is implicit knowledge that information is passed regularly to others.  When Lynn does not want the information passed along, she says very specifically, “Do not share this with anyone.”   

I have news to share with you!

Ben recalled conversations with his late Grandma when he called her to talk.  Grandma would tell him all about the latest family happenings – news of the world in the family context – then she’d say, “Bye!”  He’d have to call her back and say, “Grandma, I called you because I have something to tell you!”  The family culture centered around telling each other the latest news.  There were no secrets and no confidentiality.  It seemed like everyone understood this and whether they liked the fact of it or not, they participated, inferring their acceptance.  Ben learned to share only things that he wanted to make publicly known. 

Who’s News Is It? 

Sometimes, the gossip is prefaced by, “Hey, I have some great news to share with you!”  But, if the person whose news it is didn’t say it was okay to share their news with the world, it’s not okay.  Last time, we talked about breaking confidentiality by sharing someone’s pregnancy news, which seems to some to be a bit of positive “news” but it’s still gossip.  But with the pregnancy announcement – once Brittany posts it on Facebook, then it’s public knowledge – so asking others, “Did you hear the news?” is okay. 

Ben gave another example: 

Brett: “Hey, Steve, are you going to Bob’s party?” 

Steve: “I didn’t know Bob was having a party.” 

(Awkward silence or awkward sound of Brett trying to step out of the pile of poo he just created.) 

Later – Brett: “Hey Bob, I’m really sorry, man.  I mentioned your party to Steve, but I didn’t know he hadn’t been invited.  I hope that doesn’t cause a problem between you and Steve.” 

This doesn’t sound so bad, does it?  Brett is excited to go to Bob’s party, but it wasn’t his job to announce the party to others.  Brett breached the unspoken confidentiality agreement and ended up in a very awkward situation.  How did Steve feel when he found out about the party and realized he was not invited?  How does Brett cover for his mistake?  If Bob told Brett to spread the word about the party, that’s another situation.  Then it’s not a breach of confidentiality.   

Ben also shared that one time his Dad invited him over for a family birthday party and when Ben arrived, Dad asked about another family member he expected to see.  Dad assumed that Ben would spread the word about the party, but he hadn’t, since Ben’s default communication mode is confidentiality.   

Close Relationship Confidences 

Lynn shared that she struggled with knowing where the line is crossed when you’re in a relationship with someone – when is it okay to share information with a close contact like a significant other?  At the end of a long day at work, do you tell your spouse about a meeting that ended up going south because two coworkers started arguing with each other?  “Carrie said this, then Nick said that then Chris shouted, ‘Stop it’ and walked out of the room.”  Maybe this is okay, or maybe not, but at some point, one relationship intersects with others.  Lynn’s husband knows the kind of work she does and that sometimes, things happen, and she just needs to vent.  He’s not going to call some of his friends and tell them what happened that day at Lynn’s office.  Also, he’s not going to march over to the office and confront anyone because he understands confidentiality.  He knows it is not his problem to solve.   

Ben has made it clear to people in his circle that “anything I know, my wife knows and vice-versa.”  In their professional lives as therapists, they occasionally talk about cases in the context of, “What do you think?”  With friends, he never asks if he is allowed to share it with her, unless it seems to be a powerful or monumental piece of information.  If there was something that a friend explicitly said, please don’t share this with anyone, it would be held in confidence.  The key is to communicate clearly that the ring of confidentiality is intact within the context of the relationship. 

How Do You Know? 

Here is Lynn’s advice for determining what to share and when within the context of your relationship.  Thinking back on her family culture where nothing was confidential, she knew that in her business context she did not want to continue that behavior.  She took responsibility for letting people know that she preferred to have boundaries around the information that she felt should be confidential.  She makes a point of customizing her behavior within the context of other relationships 

Ben reminds us that love has an important place in healthy, high-performing relationships.  It’s the filter we use to decide what can be shared and what is considered confidential.  In a customized, understanding relationship, is it loving for me to spill the tea?  How do I honor others and their boundaries, and how do I value another person’s wants and needs?  What is the right way to uphold and uplift the best version of him or her? 

The Golden Rule and The Platinum Rule are your guides.

Try this exercise:  Change places with the other person, would they share what they know about you?  If you have a close relationship, you will know the answer and guide yourself accordingly.  If not, it’s best to keep it to yourself, or if you’re in that grey area, ask them if you can share the information; get their permission ahead of time.  It may be easy to decide if the information is at one end of the spectrum, more obvious that it is private vs. public knowledge.   

We suggest applying the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) and the Platinum Rule (Do unto others as they would have done unto them).  If you don’t know if they’d want you to share the information, ask them for permission if there is someone you think should know.  In balance, it’s probably best to keep it to yourself, if there’s any question in your mind.   

Lynn has established a norm in her office that promotes transparency among the staff and encourages open communication.  If someone says, “I have something to tell you but you can’t tell anyone else” the response is, “If it has anything to do with work, I may share it with someone else.” 

Creating Fear Through Confidentiality 

What about this example (that seems to have a whole lot of wrong going for it): 

Dad buys the kids an ice cream cone while they are out running errands on Saturday afternoon.  He says, “Don’t tell Mom!”   

The request for confidentiality creates fear because it implies the children will be in trouble if they tell Mom.  Why?  Is Mom an ice cream-hating witch?  What will happen if she finds out?  Did Dad do something wrong?  Are we bad children because we’re eating a forbidden treat?   

Dad violated the presumed boundary of honesty and trust between him and his wife.  He exposed his children to a false boundary of secrecy and created an Us versus Her mentality in them.  He also opened them up to fear and anxiety by keeping what they experienced as a fun time away from their Mom.  They’re no longer able to share this happy moment with her and therefore have adopted fear as the primary cornerstone of their relationship. 

Keep confidences with and for others when you need to and adopt transparency when you need to have that.  Keep trust in your loving relationships.