14 Characteristics of High-Performing People: Keeping Your Word

What’s in a Word? 

One of the cornerstones of a relationship is the ability to trust one another and a way to build trust is to keep your word.  Say what you’ll do and do what you say.  “My word is my bond.”  Kind of like agreeing to a deal with a handshake.  Almost sounds old-fashioned, doesn’t it?   

We believe trust never goes out of style; it’s just as important today as it was 10,000 years ago.  It underlies all the character elements we’ve been discussing over the past few weeks.  To build trust with others, you say what’s true and stick to your word.  Words are part of our language – the written and spoken part – and they convey meaning.  They also convey character: People can tell who you are by what you say and by what you don’t say. 

Do I have to be perfect all the time?  No, we all make mistakes or errors in judgment.  That’s why proactive communication is so important.  If something changes or you have uncovered new information, reach out to the other person and let them know you’d like to talk.  That’s the assertive approach and as hard as it might be, it’s still better than saying nothing.   

People can tell who you are by what you say and by what you don’t say. 

Words Have Power! 

Words and actions are interconnected, and both affect our relationships.  If you think that someone will “forget” that you promised to do something with them, it will dog you every day because they won’t forget.  Ask any kid whose parents promised a trip to Disney World that never happened.  Eventually, it wears on the relationship and trust is broken.   Here is another example: 

What if you borrow a book from someone, with the promise of returning it in two weeks?  After two weeks, you haven’t finished the book, so you decide to hang onto it a little while longer.  Three weeks go by, then a month, and by then you’ve finished the book, and you threw it on a shelf thinking you’ll return it the next time you see him.  A while later, you meet for coffee and think to yourself, “Gee, I forgot about that book, I should have brought it today.”  But you don’t say anything, and neither does he.  You avoid mentioning it to avoid creating a problem (what if he gets mad at me because I forgot to bring his book). 

The problem is, he remembered it too and wondered why you didn’t mention anything.  The double silence creates a crack in the relationship, and you’ve fallen into a trap trying to avoid a conflict.  You try to avoid the problem and have to be careful never to mention it because of the embarrassment.  He doesn’t want to call you out, but thinks, “Well, I’ll never loan a book to her again!”  It’s never mentioned after that. 

Your words and actions are mismatched.  You can say, well I didn’t mean to do it, or intentionally lie about it – I’m not taking advantage of my friend’s generosity! You can say, well it was just a book, it’s not a big deal.  Maybe the book was no big deal dollar-wise but the breach of trust in the relationship is a big deal.  You did not do what you said you would do.  After that, nothing else matters.  

Betrayal is a Strong Word 

Lynn has had experiences with people where she changed a decision that was made.  In one case, the other person was so hurt that they said they were betrayed because of their attachment to Lynn’s original statement.  They felt it personally and because of their insecurity and negative experiences in the past, they allowed it to damage their relationship with Lynn. 

Let’s pause our discussion for a moment to look up the word “betray” in the dictionary.  It mostly references disclosing or revealing information without permission, but it also says, “to fail or desert especially in a time of need”.  Ben observed that we tend to see a word that has a powerful meaning behind it, and we attach emotions to it.  But sometimes we reach for a particular word to make a point in our discussion but use the wrong word at the time.  For example, a miscommunication is perceived as a betrayal, when it was only an innocent mistake.  Someone becomes overly emotional when they are asked to adjust their timing or process when it would be a simple change to make.  Only the actions that damage trust or cause a failure of a relationship are truly betrayals.  A person who regularly ascribes import to minor infractions abuses the language used to describe behavior.  When someone uses a word like betrayal, study the behavior and determine if there was an intention to betray.  If so, that’s a big deal.  If not, were their expectations misaligned with the intent?  The lesson is that we must try to keep our word and act with integrity so that such murky situations don’t arise.  At some point, we all break our promises, but it should not be intentional. 

Lynn asked the question, “Is keeping your word the same as a promise?”  Lynn said no, they are two different things: Saying you will do something is not the same as making a promise.  The promise takes your word to another level and makes it a more serious commitment.  Your word is on the line.  Ben said yes, but maybe they are interlinked.  He put it like this: Squares are rectangles but rectangles are not squares. 

Film Noir: Gaslight 

if somebody uses the word betrayal or other equally emotionally charged words I’ll pause and consider the meaning behind it.  The word, “Gaslight” for example has its origins in the 1944 movie with Ingrid Bergman.  Her husband used emotional manipulation to make her question her own reality.  His actions sowed doubt and confusion about her mental state so he could set her up to be committed to an asylum.  When someone uses gaslighting today, it’s an emotionally charged word, so we must stop and question their intent.  When we step back to study the mechanics of the process, we ask, “How did we get here?”  Often our emotions elevated the conflict unnecessarily.   

In today’s culture, the word gaslighting is overused to the point where its effectiveness is diminished.  If you disagree with someone’s opinion, they say you are gaslighting them, when what they really mean is that their arrogance does not allow alternate viewpoints.  You can have different opinions because you have different experiences and perspectives; you can draw your own conclusion without intending to subvert my conclusions.  Otherwise, we’re flinging inflammatory barbs at each other in the heat of the discussion. 

Be Intentional to Convey the Proper Meaning 

Words have power and you can't talk about keeping your word until you talk about being intentional with your word.  The basis of an agreement is to be impeccable with your word which starts with using words that accurately convey your meaning.  Use clear, simple language so others understand you without having to make their own assumptions.  Here is an example: 

Four words: happy, sad, scared and mad.  When you use those words, it’s pretty clear how you feel because they are impactful in and of themselves.  You may say you are very happy or hoppin’ mad and people will understand because you’ve embellished the meaning behind the original words.  You might also use ecstatic and furious to add emotional intensity to your communication.  Much more than that (such as esoteric idioms) merely signals academic wordsmithing and may go beyond the reader’s capability to understand.   

Use clear, simple language so others can understand you.

Our prior discussions of seeking to understand and being curious about people come into play here.  In a relationship, when someone says, “I’m okay with that” you take them at their word.  But later, they have a change of heart and say, “I never wanted to do that” you have to wonder why.  They agreed to something but didn’t really want to, so it’s time to find out why they said they would do it in the first place.  Were they hiding behind the smokescreen of a poor choice of words?  Did they feel guilted into agreeing or intimidated by your request to the point they couldn’t be honest?  Did they mean to say, “I don’t really care about that movie, but if you’re so interested then I’ll go see it.”  It begs for more conversation – not just to ascribe blame – but to reaffirm the desire for assertive behavior in the relationship to build trust. 

Fear Leads to Misery 

Lynn talked about how people may feel detached from the outcome of an agreement.  She heard a saying once, “Misery comes from all attachments” and we know that attachment stems from fear.  Fear is the root. 

If you are unable to let go of something or someone and move on or find your own way, you will suffer.  If you are attached to a word or phrase someone said or something that they did, it creates codependence.  When they change their mind or behavior and you allow it to impact you enough to create negativity in your relationship, it becomes unnatural.  You’re not getting what you want, or you will lose something you thought you had.  Your attachment reveals an irrational fear of the outcome (rejection or loss) and you start to project your feelings (blame) onto them. 

Who is responsible? 

We know it’s important to keep your word, do what you say, and live up to your part of an agreement.  Ben gave this example: 

Olivia is planning a birthday party for a mutual friend and Shawn said he would bring a cake.  Great!  The morning of the party, Shawn calls and says, “Hey, I can’t make it to the party so don’t count on me for the cake.”   

Well, that affected Olivia – Shawn caused her to experience feelings she wasn’t expecting to have that day – stress, frustration, and maybe even anger – because of the change of plans.  It created conflict and distrust in the relationship to the point where Olivia decides that this is a betrayal she cannot accept.  He dashed all hopes for a successful party and she will no longer be friends with Shawn. 

Olivia has over-conflated one act – Shawn said he’d bring a cake but then he didn’t.  Yes, Shawn disappointed Olivia in this instance, but it’s not enough to destroy the relationship.  They can still be friends.  Now, if Shawn is unreliable with his word, is inconsistent in his behavior and chronically disappoints his friends, that’s another problem.  Have that conversation after you calm down.  We need friends, other people bring joy into our lives, and relationships built on self-assuredness and assertiveness are a blessing.