What is “Quick” and “Effective” in Your World? 

We could name this characteristic “Responsiveness” in the context of personal relationships.  To make sure people understand, we broadened the scope of it, putting “quickly” and “effectively” in the framework of expectations.  Those two words may be considered subjectively, meaning that “quick” and “effective” may mean something different depending on the people and the situation involved.  

A quick response is meaningless if it is followed by a retraction or change of heart.  

In the workplace, there may be a standard for handling client communication, “We will respond to your email within 24 hours.”  But, one could ask, does that mean before this time tomorrow?  Does it mean within three eight-hour business days?  Do weekends count?  It’s best to be very specific to eliminate confusion.  There may be another caveat, though, depending on the urgency of your request.  It may depend on the nature of the relationship.  A confidential client with an emotional need will get a much quicker response than a solicitation for cleaning services.  A counseling client has the right to expect a response within a couple of hours, because you have taken the responsibility to be sensitive to your clients.  But the salesperson has no right to expect a response today, tomorrow or ever.   

There’s Always that One GUY! 

Here is another scenario to consider – have you ever experienced this? 

You send James an email that has short-answer questions, or close-ended questions requiring minimal response time, such as: 

1. A question with two choices offered. 

2. Three scenarios to choose from. 

3. A special request, such as getting an email address for a mutual acquaintance. 

James replies: 

“Sounds great!  Looking forward to it!” 

After you yell, “ARRRGGHHHH” and then you calm down and shake your head…you type out a reply to James’s reply, saying: 

Dear James,  

Thank you very much for your response.  I appreciate your getting back to me so quickly.  Would you mind telling me if you prefer 

fish or steak 

for dinner on Saturday?  I look forward to seeing you again soon!” 

With the slightest bit of luck, James will realize his folly and answer your question.  If not, well, he’s your friend, you deal with it.  You learn from your mistakes and get much more specific in your queries to James going forward. 

James, 

FISH OR STEAK? 

See you Saturday. 

On and On (and ON)! 

Another scenario indicates another potential frustration, although of a different type: 

Bert’s email:  Hey, Kristin, how about lunch on Friday? 

Kristin’s email:  Sure Bert, what time? 

Bert:  Noon? 

Kristin:  Can’t do noon, how about 12:30? 

Bert: That works for me. 

Kristin:  OK, where do you want to go? 

Bert:  I dunno, how about Sal’s deli? 

Kristin:  OK, great pastrami sandwiches there! 

Bert:  Good, so lunch at Sal’s at 12:30 on Friday? 

Kristin:  That sounds good. 

Bert:  Terrific, see you then! 

Kristin:  Yes, see you! 

Bert:  Thanks. 

Kristin: OK 

These are typical examples of inefficient communication we all endure.  Keep in mind that we encourage confirming a date or responding to a direct question, so once the matter is solved, both parties agree, please move on! 

The Connection with Understanding 

This connects with seeking to understand – it is important because “I want you to know that we fully understand each other” Lynn said.  There’s nothing left to the imagination.  She would rather have people take time to formulate a response if they are not certain of their decision or position on something.  A quick response is meaningless if it is followed by a retraction or change of heart.  Additionally, if someone is not ready to respond, or reveal a bit of information to another person, a delayed response is needed.  If you feel comfortable sending a response like, “I will think about your message and get back to you in a couple of days” that will signal to the sender that you got their message but are unable to answer specifically just yet.  This builds trust and confirms the importance of your relationship with the sender; you signal that you are reliable and easy to work with.  Hold yourself accountable and remember to follow up later and honor your promise. 

It’s best to be very specific to eliminate confusion.

Ben said that consistency is one of the most important aspects of communication with people you know.  If they expect you to always respond within a couple of hours, then do that.  They will depend on you to keep true to form.  If they know that you generally respond the next day, they will be comfortable waiting to hear from you.  Of course, it’s different if you’re on vacation for an extended period (that’s why we have the Out-Of-Office Auto Reply feature!).  Outside the professional realm, you may have other practices with family and close friends, and the circumstances may guide your steps.  If you forget to respond to someone, they might call to check on you!   

The Sub-Conscious Message 

Lynn said that your response, or lack of, may indicate the value you place on your relationship with that person.  When you take the time to ask or answer a question to someone, they feel a connection to you.  If someone doesn’t answer your question, they send a message that you are not important to them.  That may not be how they feel, but subconsciously that is the message you receive.   

Are there times when life becomes overwhelming, and we feel that there is so much going on we can’t possibly manage it all right now?  Certainly.  If you find yourself in that situation, it’s okay to step back, think about your priorities and handle those first.  The other stuff will still be there in a couple of days or a week.  People may wonder why they haven’t heard from you, but they rely on their past experiences and know that you will respond when you can.  Aside from that rare instance, people will count on your consistency so establish a routine that you can reliably manage 90 percent of the time. 

Let’s think about the psychology behind non-responsiveness.  It’s much more complex than it seems, and our old foe fear has its place in it.  To illustrate this point, consider the following scenario: 

Sonia got an email from someone she worked with years ago.  Nick is planning a reunion for their old team.  A couple of weeks after the email arrived, Sonia is still trying to decide if she wants to go.  Back then, she felt insecure and intimidated by those people.   She’s thinking about these old relationships and how they interacted together at that time.  Her mind is transporting her back to that time in her life, reliving things that happened. Sonia is afraid of showing up as her true self – not because she’s still insecure but because she is not the same person she was back then – it will be a shock to some of them!  Her personal growth journey brought her to a renewed sense of self.  Is it worth it to travel back in time when you’ve left that person behind?  Will they accept the new you – and do you even care if they do or don’t? 

So, because Sonia is a responsible person, she will respond to the email.  Sonia’s emotional reaction is, “I don’t know that I even want to go back 30 years to that old me.”  Because she values honesty and transparency, she will say, “I’m not sure if I’ll join you.”  Yes, that’s a non-response, it’s non-committal, but it’s real.   

Most of this blog we focused on the “response” because the protocol for initiating communication is best considered under our assertiveness training precepts.  For some relationships, establishing a standard routine might work well.  If you agree to send and receive texts with someone, it can be effective for short exchanges or quick decisions but is not optimal for longer or more complex communication.  Sometimes, when a topic tends toward an emotional or sensitive area, a phone call is best so don’t rely on emojis to carry the message for you. 

Part of the lesson to be learned here is that these character elements are intertwined and interrelated just like the assertiveness elements we wrote about earlier this year.  If you’re reading this blog, read the others in the series to get a bigger picture of what good character looks like.  More importantly, you’ll see how you can incorporate the elements into your own sense of self and grow as a person.