It’s Easy to Take Responsibility! 

To be a person of character, you must take responsibility for your actions and the outcomes from them.  Of course!  It sounds like a no-brainer, doesn’t it?  But we say that it’s harder to do than you think.  Even when you understand the principle, emotions crowd your thinking and may cause you to: 

• Seek to blame others for your reactions. 
• Adopt a defensive posture. 
• Engage in a power struggle. 

When you ask someone, “Do you take full personal responsibility for your life?”  They will answer quickly, “Yes!  I’m in charge of my life!”  People know they should take full responsibility, they should be assertive, they should have faith in others, they should convey their thoughts clearly and so on.  We are socially conditioned to give the “right” answer but it’s not a test, you don’t pass or fail based on what you think you should do.   

When you ask the question, “Do you really?”  They will become defensive and may shoot an unfriendly look your way.  You can explain – “Have you ever blamed someone else when something happened?”  “Well, yeah, I suppose so,” is the reply which is honest but also indicates some number less than 100 percent in the taking responsibility category.  Here is Ben’s real-life example of how that played out recently:   

We're having our bathroom remodeled.  I took responsibility to spec out the whole design myself, including the walls, floor, trim, handles, and the whole deal.  This morning I woke up and for some reason had a fear that it wasn’t going to turn out the way I wanted it to.  So, I stumbled in there to survey the work-in-progress.  I looked at the tiles that were set yesterday and maybe my brain hadn’t fully clicked on yet, but the blue pinstripe tiles didn’t seem to be in the right place.  The blue line was supposed to go all the way around the bathroom, down to the floor, then up both sides of the tub. 

I thought, “Oh, no, the contractor got it wrong!”  I texted her a picture of the tile wall and added, “Does this look right to you?”  Since she is smart and very good at her job, she replied, “Yes, that looks right according to the final plans you approved.”   

I abdicated my responsibility; I tried to put the burden on her to tell me if my own design was right.  My emotions clouded my judgment because I feel pressure to get it “right” since the project is my responsibility.  Now, I could have said, “I thought we talked about the pinstripe tile going all the way down, but now I see it is only halfway to the floor.  Am I mistaken?”  In that scenario, I take responsibility for the chance that I remembered it wrong.   

High performers take ownership for their actions before anyone asks, “Whose fault was this?”

After her kind reply, I looked at the wall again and realized that I really liked the way it was and if the pinstripe went all the way down, it wouldn’t look as nice.  Which is why I designed it the way I did. 

Take Responsibility Up Front 

What’s the lesson here?  If we are able to go beyond looking for a way to let ourselves off the hook most of the time, at any given moment we find we don’t take responsibility – nor could we possibly do so – all the time.  If responsibility is one of your core values, like Lynn, it is more intuitive for you.  High performers take ownership for their actions before anyone asks, “Whose fault was this?”  She has conversations with people who have not taken responsibility for their actions, and sometimes there are hard choices to make.  Here is a scenario from the workplace: 

Someone in the office who is fully trained is not following medication protocols.  After receiving the initial report, Lynn had a debriefing conversation with Edwin (a pseudonym) about the importance of being precise and prompt when administering meds to patients.  More errors occurred and a nursing administrator advised that the employee should be suspended.   

Edwin has had previous job performance issues and other staff members want him fired.  Lynn decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with Edwin about taking personal responsibility for his actions.  Lynn approached the conversation in a caring and loving manner because it often helps the other person open up.  Lynn asked, “What was your role in the process?”  Edwin admitted that he was inconsistent in following the correct protocols.  Lynn replied, “If you followed the seven steps consistently, do you believe you would make these errors?”  Edwin paused, then said, “No I wouldn’t.  I have to change.”   

Lynn knew that when she posed this Yes or No question, the only correct answer to save his job was No.  Edwin said that he wanted to have the responsibility of administering meds and staying in his job.  He said, “I want to work here, I like working here.  I am willing to work to regain your trust.” 

Before having the discussion with Lynn, Edwin would tell his supervisor that he would try harder to follow the protocols; he even offered to let someone watch over his shoulder to make sure he got it right.  Trying is not doing and shifting the responsibility to a “monitor” wasn’t the right thing to do.  Lynn takes Edwin at his word but will watch closely to ensure he follows through properly.   

Another big reveal in the conversation with Lynn?  Edwin admitted that office gossip was distracting him and drawing his attention away from performing his duties.  It seemed like he was blaming others for influencing his work ethic.  That opened the door for Lynn to talk about the gossip culture and the role Edwin plays in perpetuating it.  We wrote about gossip in previous blog posts if you want to learn more.   

Respond To Your Ability 

Taking personal responsibility affords people the opportunity to function fully in their roles in society.  Once we become aware of our situation and understand what is at stake, we have a decision to make: Will I change my behavior and correct what I did wrong (or failed to do)?  This is not just an “oops, my bad” moment.  The next time Lynn meets with Edwin, she hopes to see the fruit of his growth commitment.  If not, his refusal to take responsibility will determine the course of action Lynn must take.   

Here's one way to break down the word, and make it easier to remember how: 

Response – Respond To – Your Ability 

It implies taking action, a spiritual statement, and your ability to respond.  You can’t change your behavior until you own it.  If you don’t believe you had anything to do with what happened, you absolve yourself from responsibility. 

 “I’m not there yet, but I want to be.”

Have you ever witnessed someone at work who is scrolling on their cell phone during a meeting?  When someone else asks why they are doing that during a meeting, the response is, “How dare you!”  But the manager’s experience was that people who are on their phones are distracted and become disengaged from the present activity.  The scroller deflects the question, implying that the manager doesn’t know what he or she is talking about.  Instead, if the scroller replied, “You’re right, I did check out for a minute, I’ll put it away” that signals awareness first, then owning the behavior.  The scroller is taking action to correct the behavior and changing it to suit the circumstances.   

Now For Our Physics Lesson! 

Before you can have agency over your actions, you exert influence by taking responsibility to make a change in your behavior.  For comparison, in the physical world, you can think about Newton’s Law of Motion (paraphrased): An object at rest will stay at rest until an outside force acts upon it; conversely, an object in motion will stay in motion until an outside force acts upon it.  To change the rest or motion state of an object or its trajectory, one must exert a force (power and influence) upon it.  In relationships, the same is true, your life will continue as it is going until an external force is applied to change its trajectory.  Personal responsibility says, “Now that I’m aware of my direction I get to choose to continue that way or to change.”  As soon as awareness occurs, responsibility kicks in.  Everything after that is a choice, and your decision to use power and influence to own, make or deflect, the choice determines the outcome.  Nothing guarantees your life will suddenly be all rainbows and butterflies, but it builds your confidence in the power of choice to take action and move in that direction.   

About Personal Power 

During this discussion, we had a side conversation about personal power.   In the context of relationships, personal power is always given, never taken (aside from some extreme examples).   I have the power to act for myself and when I take responsibility for my actions, I reclaim or maintain the power to drive the outcomes.  On the other hand, when I absolve myself of taking responsibility for my actions, I give my power away.  Lynn remembered a book she read a few years ago that really spoke to her about this topic - Real Power: Stages of Personal Power in Organizations by Janet Hagberg (2002).  In her coaching practice, she works with people who have autism or other intellectual disabilities so that they can become empowered and learn to self-advocate. 

One of Lynn’s clients does not want anyone else to tell her what to do.  Shawna gets angry when someone refers to her as a vulnerable adult.  She wants to do things herself, and despises the label, “disabled” so Lynn works with Shawna to raise her awareness and develop skills to overcome problems.  However, when it comes time to take responsibility for her actions, she replies, “I’m autistic.”  This is used as an excuse to avoid responsibility for her actions and outcomes.  So, she doesn’t like someone taking power away from her but will give it up when it is situationally convenient.  Many people use these types of avoidance techniques and have excuses for the actions they take.  Here’s an example you probably experience often: 

You pull into the parking lot at your favorite restaurant, and somebody parked their car crooked.  Basically, they are taking up two parking spots so your first thought is, “What is wrong with you?!!”  Do you think they realized they did it?  If not, there is a lack of awareness.  If they did realize it, there is a lack of taking responsibility, and they probably rationalized their behavior by thinking, “Meh, there are other parking spots open.  It’s no biggie.” 

A Hairy Problem 

Ben said that it doesn’t matter whether it’s a Big Deal or not, they made excuses for themselves.  When he sees this behavior, he uses it as an example to teach his kids about responsibility.  If you are negligent in the little things, your behavior will reflect the same attitude in the big things.  A young girl might feel like there’s no big deal if she doesn’t brush her hair today thinking, “Well, I brushed it yesterday and I will probably brush it tomorrow.”  If it continues, eventually she’s wearing dreadlocks to school!  There is nothing wrong with dreadlocks on some people but letting them form simply from failure to take responsibility for brushing is not the right way.  At some point, the hair needs to be brushed out, or worse, cut out to maintain a healthy head of hair!  It’s a conscious choice, taking responsibility and accepting the results of your choices.  Ben avoids a power struggle and lets the girls make choices but at some point, he has to take responsibility as a parent to teach them how to solve problems.  He has found that with patience and showing them how to take responsibility for their decisions, eventually, they make the right choices and problems are solved. 

So, it boils down to these things: 

• Are you in a relationship with that person (do you care about them)? 
• Are you willing to talk with them about the problem? 
• Are they aware there’s a problem? 
• Are they willing to take responsibility? 

Based on our examples the answers likely are: 

• Parking lot guy – no, not in a personal relationship so while you might care about him as a fellow human being, you are not invested to the point of working together to solve his careless parking practices. 
• Shawna – yes, Lynn is in a relationship with her through her coaching practice.  Lynn cares about her and wants to help her learn to take responsibility for her behavior.  Over time, Lynn will have meaningful conversations to help Shawna develop coping skills to give her a better life experience. 
• Ben’s daughter – yes, his relationship as a parent is important to him.  In parenting, consistency is one of the most important behaviors and raising his daughter to be responsible for her personal care is one of his duties.  She may choose to wear a certain hairstyle for a while, and Ben respects that choice as long as there is no danger.  If he tries to override her personal agency and choices, a power struggle will arise.   

Change is Gonna Come 

Will change happen right away?  Probably not, but when you refuse to accept peoples’ excuses, they will eventually drift toward responsibility.  Lynn will continue to coach Shawna on how to develop personal power so that she can take responsibility for her thoughts and actions.  Ben’s daughter has brushed her hair every day this week, so he hopes it becomes a more regular habit.  

Small victories happen when people care enough to try, “I’m not there yet, but I want to be.”  You make progress and continue the conversation – keep it going – take the next step.  Keep the faith.