Assertive Boundaries: Changing Your Mind

Number 4 on the Assertive Bill of Rights: You Have The Right To Change Your Mind.

We love this one – it’s one of the Big Three! Lynn said this is the one that gets her into trouble with people all the time. “If I say yes, or okay, I’m making a decision based on the information I have at the time.” If new information becomes available, we have the right to change our minds – isn’t that what is best for everyone? I have the responsibility to communicate my new decision, and if I feel like sharing why I changed my mind, I should do that. You might decide to go to a different movie or skip the movie and do something else with your friend. Who wants to live in a world so rigid you can’t make a change?

In a more serious vein, when I decide to go from being a single person to being connected with another person (in so many ways) by marriage, that commitment or promise changes many people’s lives. In many cultures, it is a positive and happy occasion involving family and friends, and leads to years of joy. What about people who are trapped in abuse or oppression, depression, substance abuse or addiction? That leads to years of fear, humiliation and despair.

Change means Growth

Think about the social and political views you held in your youth. Do you still hold those views today or has something caused a change in your perspective? What if your party affiliation was tattooed on your arm at age 18 – would you be comfortable with that today? Have you heard new ideas or has someone influenced your thinking over time? We don’t want to be required to stay in a former mindset for the rest of our lives. We don’t want others to be stagnant in their views, either. We want growth and vibrancy - and these things require change.

Why do people fear change? It happens all around us – right now your physical cells are dying and new ones are growing. Hair falls out and new hairs grow in, wrinkles form and at some point, you might need to wear reading glasses! These changes occur slowly over time and are unnoticeable on a daily basis but the same change never occurs twice. We don’t fear it because we experience it gradually. Here is an experiment: Hold your hand level in front of your body and with your other hand let a drop of water fall onto it. Observe how the drop rolls off and then do it again. The dynamic of physics causes this drop and each successive drop to roll off differently, described as a gradual descent into disorder. This is the law of entropy: When the drop hits the surface, it produces chaos and is no longer the drop it was.

There is no reason to fear the water drop, it’s inconsequential to the course of our lives. If the drop is part of a raging river about to overflow its banks, the change it creates is a sudden disruption of our familiarity with the river. We notice it and are afraid of the change; it is not comfortable and we become anxious about the consequences. An assertive person takes responsibility for how they respond to that change and creates a desirable outcome.

A Night at the Movies!

Let’s get back to our discussion about relationships and continue the analogy about going to a movie with friends. I said I would go to the movie but now I’m thinking to myself, “I’ve never been to a movie and going to one would make me uncomfortable.” I am feeling emotional about it and unsure of how I will act at the theater. I’m feeling angry that I agreed to it, and I might punch somebody! It’s okay to change my mind because I’m afraid of the idea of going to a movie. My friend says, “You have to go – it will be fun!” But they should say, “I understand and respect your choice. If you’d like to talk about it and work toward going to the movies in the future, I am here for you.”

You have no authority over someone else’s life, nor how they live it. Exerting authority causes codependence and is generally undesirable in a relationship. When codependency occurs, look at how you perceive yourself and how you perceive your relationship with the other person. If you avoid saying or doing something that you think might upset them, they might be exerting emotional authority over you. Did you give them the power to control your behavior? If you lack assertiveness, you could consider making your statement or request less personal to reduce tension.

To invoke our movie example one more time, if someone wants to see a movie that you don’t care to see, you just say you don’t want to go. Your friend feels sad, hurt, and rejected. You could decide that you have the power to make them feel better, and you go to the movie. Suddenly, they realize they have the power to manipulate you and it’s no longer about a movie.

A new spin cycle is created – autonomy is lost and everybody is chasing everyone else’s power. Both parties have lost their sense of self without gaining a sense of togetherness. They both sense loss of themselves without knowing why. Think about a paint set you had when you were a kid. If you mix blue and red together, you get purple. That’s pretty and it’s a result of purposeful choices with a known outcome. But if you mixed three or more colors together the result is . . . brown. There is no rainbow on the other side of that mess.

The Big Lie

People make assumptions about what someone else will think or feel or do and that can get in the way of assertiveness. We want to feel loved and have a sense of belonging to a family or group. We fear that our assertiveness will emotionally impact others and we will be criticized or rejected. It creates codependency and causes us to alter our authenticity in deference to the fear. As an example, someone on my team came to me and said that another staff member did something he disagreed with but did not say anything. When I asked why not, he said he didn’t want to hurt their feelings or cause a conflict. There was an assumption that giving feedback to the other person would be detrimental to their relationship.

Our quest for belonging and acceptance draws us into becoming the person we think they want us to be. This is a lie. If I become the person you want me to be, I am no longer myself, and you settle for my tolerable behavior rather than my true self. If I want to be accepted so much that I'm willing to be a cheap knockoff you can buy off the street. Watch cable television news for a look at how people manipulate their own personalities to become the media pundits people will watch. Tucker Carlson is probably the biggest example right now – everything he says was said first by someone else – he just amplifies it. He puts more energy into it, says it louder and with more passion, to get you to accept the ideas. Over time, he became a media personality with a following and a tolerant viewership.

Change for Thee but Not for Me

People want things to change for the better, but they don’t want to change themselves. They think, “If only the other person (or situation) would change!” We want others to realize that the new and improved version of themselves is within reach.

When I change my mind, I am probably making a change for the better. Even if it doesn’t work out well, you acknowledge that the potential for improvement was there. There is a higher state of mind at hand so why be the victim of your worst thinking?

My daughter came home from school the other day after telling the nurse she was sick. She knows that vomiting is a qualified reason for being sent home during the day and this has happened before. The nurse called and we picked up our daughter at school. My wife and I were talking about it later and how to respond to this pattern. We want to support her, take her at her word and acknowledge that there is a root cause for the problem. Our daughter is really gripped with anxiety and doesn't believe the school structure is supporting her right now. If there are times she needs to escape and we don't let her escape she feels trapped which increases her anxiety.

I am passionate about allowing people to be authentic which provides an opportunity for assertiveness. Now, I recognize that you cannot tell a nine-year-old to just go to a different school and there may not be a level of maturity to understand what is happening. If she needs to come home then she can come home; however, we need to approach it with a longer-term solution. We have a responsibility to give children a neutral platform, a positive environment where they can be honest and accepted in love. When we fail at that responsibility and use punishment as our response, we should not be surprised with the outcomes which include suicide, depression, drugs, bullying, and other societal ills.

Back on the home front, when I went to the kitchen to grab lunch my daughter said, “I’m hungry. Can I have a sandwich?” I replied, “No. That is not on the menu for an upset stomach.” The love is there but the boundaries don’t change. I took the opportunity to explore the reasons for her episode at school by asking if she was physically sick or if it was something else: She has developed a sense of internal awareness and had the courage to say that it was emotional. I believe her authenticity is a testament to the environment that supports the fact that she could say it and know that there would be no negative consequences for her honesty. I could then talk to her about developing some coping skills to counter the anxiety she feels and preclude further and potentially more serious outcomes.

We’ve had this experience for about five years and I believe my responsibility as a parent is to create a safe environment for her at home. She asked for a therapist and we agreed – no stigma – we will hold this space so you can explore and figure it out. You have the right to change your mind.