Assertive Boundaries: Do You Need to Take Responsibility for Others?

Assertiveness + Responsibility = Better Relationships

Continuing our series on how to become more assertive, we know that assertive behavior establishes and maintains healthy boundaries without demanding a specific response or course of action from another person. When you adopt an assertive mindset, you acquire the view that each person is responsible for his or her actions. When assertiveness and responsibility merge, you make decisions that benefit yourself and others and that results in forming better relationships. The main goal of an assertive approach is to maintain healthy, loving relationships.

The third tenet for how to be more assertive in life: You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

I have a responsibility to you but not for you. One caveat to this rule is that the type and level of responsibility varies depending on your role in the relationship. If I'm your parent, your hygiene is important to me, so I'm responsible to give you a bath or a shower. I am not responsible if you throw a tantrum and never get into the tub. At work, I have a responsibility to equip my staff with information, training, and coaching support but I don't have a responsibility for whether or not they decide to implement and follow through with the resources they have.

If I take my car into the shop, the mechanic is responsible to fix my car because the mechanic has chosen to be responsible for repairing vehicles for customers. A daycare provider has chosen to be responsible for other people’s children while they are in their care. Nobody forced the mechanic or the daycare provider to take on those roles.

Those are tactical examples but what if your friend calls you and cries, “My boyfriend just broke up with me!” If the relationship is important, you empathize lovingly with your friend and listen to them. But instead of taking on that problem or taking on the responsibility for how they feel, empower them to solve the problem. This is an emotional time and some people are prone to codependency which leads to a responsibility leak. You are responsible for being a friend, but you are not responsible for your friend’s feelings (nor to fix them). In the meantime, if your friend asks you to bring over some ice cream, you might choose to be responsible for that task!

Whose Responsibility Is It?

The assertive person decides what to take on and what to leave to others. In a healthy world, adhering to Your Assertive Rights No. 2 and No. 4 results in a balanced relationship (without codependence). It comes down to choosing who has the power. Power is always given, not taken (except for extreme examples like armed robbery or political coups), but most people give power unwittingly. As soon as I hold your power, I am agreeing to a codependent relationship. In some cases, it might be okay, temporarily, if it comes with an agreement. We have the right to judge whether we will be responsible to find a solution for someone else. The best thing you can do for them is to give back their power and encourage them to solve their own problems.

Here’s an example in the professional arena: Recently, we had the first in a series of Master classes and, even at that level, there were people who didn’t read the emails, did not follow the instructions or had problems logging onto the video conference. Some people said they did not complete the pre-work so I advised them they would not be admitted. Unassertive people do not take responsibility for themselves, so they wanted me to accept their excuses – and change the rules for them – so they wouldn’t feel bad. My responsibility was to provide what they needed to succeed, respect those who were prepared, and not reward others for their lack of initiative. How do you empower people? You let them solve their own problems.

Let Me Help You!

Early on in my marriage, if I (Lynn) started to cry, my husband thought he had to fix “something” and make me feel better. I would say, “I don’t want anything, I just want to be left alone.” But he felt the right to judge that he was responsible for making me feel OK and it took us time, but now it's understood. I don't cry often but when I cry, I just want to cry and I don't need anybody to try to make my tears go away.

If you become accustomed to another person taking responsibility for your actions, you will feel that others have judged that they should take control over you. This affects all areas of your life. You will begin to rely on others to keep you on track and to solve your problems without any explicit agreement to do so. If we have scheduled a meeting together, I expect you to arrive on time, prepared, and ready to conduct our business. I do not assume control of your attendance and participation. I do not judge that I am responsible to send you reminders ahead of time, although it is within my control to do so if I decide the situation warrants it.

The opposite scenario is when people don’t want to admit they cannot complete a task, so they don’t ask for help. They feel powerless. If I take control, I reinforce your belief that you can’t do it. If I care about you, I will be your partner, not your savior. The key is to ask for the help you need, thus relieving the frustration of the moment. An assertive person does not want someone else to take responsibility for their success.

Here is another example of how you can help other people solve their own problems. One time I was co-leader of an after-school science club. One of our projects was to assemble a robot - challenging for third graders with limited small-motor skills. The students would get frustrated at times (even though it was an age-appropriate task) and ask for help. They would say, “I need you to do this for me.” The other leader was not the most tactful person and would say, “You can do that.” “But I can’t do it!” “Well, if you can’t, I can’t,” was the teacher’s reply as he walked away.

The approach was correct – I’m not going to just do it for you – but there was little caring for the relationship in it. They were frustrated because it was difficult for them, and the teacher was not agreeing with them that they were not capable of rising to the challenge. A better response would have been to show them how – take the needle-nosed pliers and hold the screw in place – teach them a technique so they can succeed.