Assertive Boundaries: How to use "I Don't Care"

I Don’t Care About You!

Is that really what you meant to say? An assertive person will see “I don’t care” as a neutral statement, but a passive or an aggressive person may not. If you say, “I don’t care”, someone may take it personally even if you meant it in a neutral or non-judgmental way. Be advised to know your audience when using this potentially harsh-sounding phrase to avoid the consequence of damaging the relationship. You have the right not to care about something, and using the alternative phrasing, “I don’t have any preference” may better serve the conversation. This is especially true if you are still becoming accustomed to taking a firm stand for your right to be assertive.

“I Don’t Care” is useful when someone is discussing a topic in which you have no interest. If someone starts discussing the latest episode of their favorite soap opera, and you are not interested in those characters, let them know that they are not going to get much feedback from you. In a previous blog, we discussed taking responsibility for delivering a message with as little emotional charge as possible. If you think they might feel hurt or offended by your lack of curiosity, you can take responsibility to adapt the message to match the temperament of the receiver, thus avoiding an emotional reaction.

If you care about the relationship you will try to find the place of loving neutrality in your words. On the other hand, if someone is committed to feeling hurt, they will attach “…you” to any statement you make. In their mind, they will hear: I don’t care about you, I’m not interested in you, I have no opinion about you nor a preference for you. They are seeking a co-dependent social contract and when you signal that you will not participate, they will filter and fit your words and actions to their predilection to be offended. This is the victim mentality, one who is looking for the world to be his or her problem. As an assertive person, I have the right not to care about you, your situation, or any topic of discussion. I have the right not to play by the social rules (or contract) you proffer, and not to care about continuing the relationship.

A Co-Dependent Trap

In the extreme case that you're so wrapped up that you need me to be hooked to you and I, as an assertive person, am not willing to be in that attachment-heavy toxic environment, it’s time to remove myself. I have the right to devalue my relationship with you and walk away. I have the right to care or not care about any person, relationship, issue or object and I bear the responsibility to deliver the message with loving neutrality. I should make every effort to soften the blow, but I am not responsible for how they receive the message. Nobody likes to receive that type of message.

Let’s unpack the aggressive versus passive aspects of this right at opposite ends of the assertive (neutral) spectrum. A neutral stance holds more energy than a passive stance; thus, passive people will view “I don’t care” as an aggressive statement. A neutral stance holds less energy than an aggressive stance, so they hear “I don’t care” as a passive statement. Where you sit on that spectrum determines how you perceive the neutral middle assertive stance.

Nobody likes to be challenged: the aggressive people respond by telling you to take a stand and the passive people want to know why you insist that they take a stand. In a previous blog post, we illustrated this concept with the example of deciding where to go for dinner – “Why can’t you just choose a restaurant?!” and “Why do you always make me choose the restaurant?!” They’re arguing about the mechanics of deciding and pretty soon, nobody eats!

Recently heading out for a lunch meeting, Ben and Lynn were both feeling non-committal on a restaurant destination. They narrowed down the choices by type of cuisine and headed down the road. After a couple of blocks, Lynn said, “No, I don’t want to go there, let’s go to this other place.” This brief exchange embodies several of our rights – changing your mind, I don’t care, I can ask for what I want – a fluid conversation because neither had a strong attachment or preference. It was easy to renegotiate the decision on the fly. This example illustrates the platonic (neutral) ideal of how that conversation should go.

I Care About You!

Assertiveness means that even if you don’t have your way, you can walk away with no hard feelings because there are no personal (emotional) attachments to your statement of, “I don’t care”. The relationship is what matters, not the decision you make in that moment. If someone asks for your help, but you are not able to render aid, the conversation should reflect your desire to preserve the relationship while asserting your right to say, “No”. Tune in next time for that discussion (hint: It’s one of Ben’s “Big 3!”). Oh, and bonus preview, No. 12 “You have the right to do less than you are capable of doing” is a favorite of Lynn’s because she said that you don't always have to perform at peak performance. Society applies pressure to people which sometimes has adverse effects on our mental, spiritual, physical and relational health.