Assertive Boundaries: You Have the Right to Ask Questions

Can I ask you a question? 

Yes, you have the right to ask questions – and not only the ones I want to answer.  You have the right to ask questions without fear of judgment from others.  In a previous blog post, we talked about people who feel like they’re being “challenged” when someone asks them a question.  If you know their personality, you can preface your question with, “I’m truly curious about something…”.  This technique works, too, when there’s a chance they could think you are insincere in your inquiry. 

Lynn believes that people rarely assume your question is delivered with a positive intent or even a neutral intent.  People are skeptical of others; they don’t trust your motives. They become standoff-ish or accuse you of being nosy!  It is difficult to be a curious person in our society because many people do not acknowledge authenticity in someone else’s personality.  When someone is being authentic, they are judged.  As humans, our default reaction to a question is, “What did I do wrong?”  This is defensive and fearful and leads to an ineffective response.  It creates a problem for the relationship.  An assertive person pauses and believes that the inquirer is seeking to understand something.    

When a Question is not just a Question 

When did this all start?  Lynn thinks it has existed in the human condition forever.  When a child gets negative feedback, it alters how they present themselves to others.  It’s a by-product of being emotional creatures and, until we retrain our minds in both the delivery of feedback and the receipt of it, the condition perpetuates.   

We’ve talked before about delivering comments and questions with a neutral charge where the message stands on its own.  When my question comes with a negative charge, I’m being judgmental, and it’s not “just a question”.  There is an opposite condition when I over-empathize with you, which leads me to say, “I know how emotional you are, so I need to be careful what I say.  And, you know that I’m emotional, so I expect you to be careful with your words.”  It results in one person exercising control over another, rather than each person taking responsibility for their own work in the relationship.  The root problem is that neither person is practicing assertiveness, and the relationship suffers from a lack of trust.   

I have the right to ask a question.  If I delivered it with an intended skew, positive or negative, I bear responsibility for how it is received.  If I asked neutrally, I am not responsible for how you received the question.  People tend to receive questions within their emotional mindset and respond in kind, regardless of the content of your query.  There is a saying that goes something like this:  People rarely remember what you said, but they will remember how they felt about you.    

A Passion for Questions 

Lynn loves asking questions, “It's my passion.  I rarely have a conversation where I am not asking a question in the context of that conversation.”  She has learned to want to understand as much as possible because it shows others that you care about them.  If people can be a positive force to change others’ perceptions around asking questions, that would be great!  Questions are a way of showing kindness in getting to know someone and the only way of going from the unknown to the known. 

Ben mused about the question mark itself – ?  – look at the shape of it.  The loop at the top signifies a journey, like an exploration, of someone or something and the dot at the bottom signifies arrival at a conclusion.  Lynn uses question marks to indicate an openness to further discovery, even if she’s not asking a question, only making a statement.  It conveys humility.  She thinks it opens up trust, lends authenticity to the conversation and says, “What do you think?” 

From Bambino to Brett 

Brett Favre gave an interview about his early days in the NFL where he was the starter and Ty Detmer was the veteran on the bench who was teaching about nickel and dime defense plays.  Favre asked, “What’s a nickel defense?”  Detmer, incredulous, replied, “Are you serious?”  After Detmer explained, Favre said, “Is that all that is?  Well, then who cares?”  The lesson is, Favre had to be courageous enough to ask the question, and not pretend he knew what the nickel defense was, even though he might get roasted by the veteran!  Remember the “Bambino” story from our blog a few weeks ago?   

You have the right to ask Questions 

Networking meetings are common for businesspeople and the hallmark of these get-togethers is the ubiquitous question, “What do you do (for a living)?”  Some people take the getting-to-know-you questions to a different level, pummeling their partner, and ignoring the standard question and answer convention.  A question becomes an aggressive tool when there is the expectation of a response.   

You have the right to ask questions, and also to listen to the answer.  I have the right to decline to answer your question (except if I’m a witness in court!).  This applies to both parties in the conversation and if one person monopolizes the time, you have the right to be assertive.  If you feel that the conversation is more like an interrogation, stop and ask, “I’m curious why you are asking so many questions?  I feel a little bit defensive right now.  Would you tell me what is the purpose of all your questions?”  This request for context provides a script for understanding the social contract they are operating within.   

The overall theme of the assertive conversation is that my right to do these things is accompanied by your right to choose a response, or not respond at all.  All the assertive rights involve my right to present, act, think, feel, do and be who I want, and you have no right to expect anything from me.   

Ben uses a technique in some settings to alleviate stress between group members.  In a networking setting, instead of using a 20-second elevator pitch, he’ll invite the audience to ask him a question.  He provides a disclaimer, “For our icebreaker, ask me anything you want – but I might not answer!”  Even when an assertive person declines to answer a question, it provides useful information to the audience.  They will discover where the boundaries of the relationship reside.  Ben also suggests using your website, Facebook page, LinkedIn profile and other forms of social media to introduce yourself and provide information for people who are curious about you.  When people do some research before meeting you, the resulting conversation takes on more meaning.  The lesson, or guidance, around questions is – ask them – with respect, curiosity and most of all, kindness.