Assertive Boundaries: You Have the Right to be Illogical in Making Decisions

Unassertive people operate from the belief that there are conditions – or limitations – to their thinking. They think there must be a right answer or a response based on the way things should be. Logic and reason are valuable tools in decision-making, but they are not the only ones at our disposal.

We are emotional creatures – and if your decision is hasty or driven by your feelings at that moment – you should take responsibility for any harm you cause. However, emotions are useful tools in decision-making, when used in the right way, and applied in the right amounts.

Are Emotional and Illogical the Same?

My decision may seem illogical to someone else, but I decide based on my own boundaries, which may not align with yours. You may apply different reasoning to decision-making or have different boundaries than I do. Most people would think that the terms emotional and illogical are the same but we think that emotional is a part of illogical. Illogical means that your boundary or your reasons for saying or doing something may not align with someone else’s reasoning. They may want to emotionalize the discussion and tell you that you are illogical and encourage you to be reasonable. In fact, they're saying, “Think like me.”

People can weaponize logic very easily because it's a tool: Logic is just math with words. It is not subjective and if you use logic, things make sense. Logic, although not infallible, is used to prove a point because it rests on a set of assumptions or beliefs as the starting point. By the way, do you know what else is based on beliefs? Emotions. So, whether you're making emotional decisions or logical decisions – or purely calculated decisions – any blend of these that leads to a decision, you have the right to make decisions! This tenet is a subset of number two that talks about your right to make choices. You don’t have to justify or quantify them – they don’t have to fit someone else’s worldview or even your own – you can make decisions you don’t like! And, you have the right to change your mind (tenet four), which is one of our “Big 3.”

Choose Power

Consider this: if you have the right to do this, you have the right to do all of this, which creates autonomy in the power to choose. This is where the power is – choose power – you have the power over your choices!

An unassertive person might attempt to convince others to align with their decision by stating, “Ask anyone – they would agree with me! Ten rational people would tell you the same thing!” “Everybody thinks…” My beliefs drive my feelings, thoughts and actions; ergo if I have the assertive right to believe what I want, everything that follows is aligned with my belief. This gives me the right to make belief-driven decisions (and accept the attendant consequences as we have discussed).

Relationship breakdowns result from differences in people’s perspectives and ability to be assertive within the context of their relationship. Conflicts result when someone tries to convince another person to believe the same way they do, without accepting the other as they are. That’s an overarching assertive right – call it the umbrella over all these tenets – everyone has the right to be who they are. If you don’t like me, it’s not my problem, it’s your problem!

What Does Why Mean?

Something may be illogical to me but make perfect sense to you. How many times do you hear, “I just don’t understand how you can think that way!” Or the ubiquitous, “Why?” What does the questioner really mean? Children are famous for this, but many adults still use this technique as a bait-and-switch. Are they seeking to understand? If not, their next comment is intended to undercut your reasoning.

Witness this conversation with a child about bedtime:

“Why do I have to go to bed at 8:30?”

“Because you don’t fall asleep right away, so you need time to wind-down so that you can fall asleep by 11. That way you can wake up in time for school."

“But, Dad, why couldn’t we just go to bed at 11 o’clock and then go to sleep?”

She did not accept my answer to her “why” question. I could continue down that line, and the next reason would be met with another counter-question. Instead, I understand that the “why” question was intended to lead to negotiation or some other outcome. Her attempt at persuading me to change my mind is part of human interaction, we accept that, but also acknowledge the difference between assertive and unassertive ways to accomplish a goal. Asking a “why” question to get into a negotiating loop is a passive entry into the conversation. An assertive initiation to the conversation is “I don’t like this decision; can we talk about it?”

At the other end of this mindset spectrum, an aggressive person says, “You better change your mind, or else! I will make your life worse if I don’t get the answer I want!” The only way we get to the point where someone can be assertive in saying, “I don't like that, can I change my mind” is if I stop attacking their reasoning or thinking. They come to realize that I accept their right to make decisions that I don't agree with (or that don't make sense to me) and I acknowledge their right to renegotiate or reject those decisions. I do not have the right to attack their reasoning because of their right to make decisions (logical or illogical).

Recurring Theme: Judgment

Notice that the recurring theme of judgment appears in this tenet – others may use words like “right or wrong,” “should,” or “good or bad” to assess your decision in addition to some of the “how could you” questions. “Why” is also commonly used as a judgment rather than being used in a curious way. In our coaching practice, we are careful using “Why?” questions because it often triggers a defensive response. Many people are used to hearing “Why did you . . .” as a form of blaming or judgment and their protective shields go up. Prefacing a question with, “I’m genuinely curious about…” and letting the other person know that we are seeking to understand may help to decrease the potential for conflict.

When Lynn is talking with case managers, guardians or psychologists, they sometimes ask “why” questions without giving context. They may be questioning her evaluation of or recommendations for a client. A natural tendency would be to respond, “Oh, so you think my approach is not good enough, and you are questioning my professional opinion.” The better response is to believe that their intentions are honorable and that they seek to understand her approach. The reverse is also true – she needs them to believe that her intentions are pure and she seeks the best outcomes for her clients. This allows Lynn to maintain a collegial relationship with them without seeming to be manipulative.

Be Curious

No matter how well you phrase a question, people may form a belief about your intentions. The phrasing itself may trigger a defensive posture in the receiver; thus, Ben may say, “I am legitimately curious – why did you choose that course of action at that time?” He does this a lot in coaching, to align his thinking with the client’s – why did you take this step or why did it play out that way? Even taking care in how the question is asked, people sometimes still get defensive, so he has to convince them there is no judgment in the question. He is not challenging the person, but he needs to understand what happened. This works best in conversations where there is already a relationship between the parties and permission to ask is assumed. If a person’s pre-set filters expect a passive-aggressive discourse, they may say they understand but continue to harbor the assumption that you are setting a trap.

The lynchpin is depicted in this example: Lynn’s leaders are trained to say, “I have a curious question” before they pose a question. However, if they are not being sincere, their non-verbal cues will give them away. Things like eyes, set of the jaw, tone of voice, cadence and words are telltales – and are just as easily detected on Zoom as they are in person! If someone feels challenged by a question, they might lean back in their chair (trying to put more space between them and you).

Remember, your decisions don’t have to make sense to anyone but yourself and as an assertive person, you can be confident in maintaining appropriate boundaries with others.