Assertive Boundaries: You Have the Right to Exercise Any of These Rights With No Guilt

It’s Not My Fault! 

Our final blog in this series summarizes all 20 Assertive Rights Principles.  They are all inter-related and inter-dependent and this one emphasizes “without feeling guilty” about exercising your right to be an assertive person.  If you feel guilty about a choice you’ve made, that’s ok, it is how you feel.  However, you can also freely choose to release the feelings of guilt.   

We have found that some people disagree with our way of thinking.  They do not believe they have the choice or the ability to alter their way of thinking, “That’s just the way I am.”  They blame others for their feelings (good or bad) because someone else did something to or for them.  It’s too much work to challenge our own beliefs or to change the way we feel.  This is an illusion that lets you off the hook for anything that happens.  If I have the mindset that it is outside my control, I do not need to take responsibility for my actions.   

The other day, someone arrived late to work and when asked why she was late, she replied, “Well, I had to drive my sister to McDonald’s before I dropped her off at her job.”  So, the employee believed she should not be held accountable for arriving late because it was not her fault.  “I was taking care of my sister, that’s the way it is.” 

In an episode of Judge Judy, a man was suing his mother because she kicked him out of her house and filed a police report against him.  Mom was a cream puff, a pushover, and her son had become accustomed to bullying his way to get whatever he wanted.  Ben said you could see all over the guy’s face, he was a powder keg of anger ready to explode.  When the son started telling his story, Judge Judy said, “I’m not interested in your story!  I am talking with your mother.”  The son replied, “Well if you’re not even interested in hearing what happened, you might as well close the case right now!”  The judge replied, “Okay, case dismissed.”  Later that day, the son reappeared (calmer) and asked if the Judge would reconsider.  He claimed that he was the victim in the family; if his mother had not called the cops, he would have been just fine.  After hearing his story, she again dismissed the case saying that he had suffered no undue duress.  

The entire moral of the story of the Assertive Bill of Rights is:   

You have the right to think, feel and act the way you choose to think, feel and act – so long as you are crossing no boundaries – and you take responsibility for the outcomes of your thoughts, feelings and actions. 

Is Everybody Happy? 

Zig Ziglar, a famous author said, “You can have everything in life you want if you will just help other people get what they want.”  Sounds great, right?  Some people misunderstand the sentiment and think that the only way they can be happy is to make sure everyone else is happy first.  Without context, the quote is misapplied and twisted to mean whatever anyone wants it to mean.  This happens often with Bible verses – outside the original setting they can be used to justify my opinions and prove that you are wrong.  Sound bites – those snippets you hear on the news or read on social media – are intended to skew the truth and give you a viewpoint you didn’t know you needed. 

To develop an assertive mindset, study the deeper concept to understand it throughout, not just the clip on the screen that ends the discussion.  If you want to develop this sort of lifestyle you have to put in the work to understand the assertive mentality and then practice it.  It’s not easy and not everyone will buy into this way of thinking.  However, this approach allows you to create healthier relationships.  

The goals of an assertive lifestyle are to: 

1. Take responsibility for your choices. 

2.  Avoid crossing someone else's boundaries. 

3.  Express yourself. 

4.  Take your own path in life. 

The reality is that I am free to take responsibility for my choices as long as I’m not violating other people's boundaries. 

As we close out this series of blogs, we express our appreciation for your attention and interest.  We endeavored to inform and entertain while tackling a very serious subject.  We had quotes from famous people and old movies, and we got on our soap box a couple of times.  We dropped in some Latin; we name-dropped leadership gurus and pop stars.  

We talked about your rights and responsibilities, and about words like, “judging” and “appropriate” and “emotions”.  We said it is okay to say “I don’t care” or “I don’t know” or just, “No.”  We talked about thoughts, words and actions, and a lot about boundaries.  Some of our favorite assertiveness principles include:  #2, #4, #12, #13 but really, all of them are important because they are interlinked. 

If you are sincere about adopting a more assertive mindset, we encourage you to break through the surface of what we’ve started.  To dive in, and go deeper, it is helpful to bring someone else along on your journey, a partner to enhance your understanding.  Grappling with the concept of assertiveness is more rewarding if you have a coach to guide you through your life.