Assertive Boundaries: You Have the Right to Feel Good about Yourself, Your Actions, and Your Life

How Do You Feel? 

The root of this principle is that you have the right to live the life you choose.  An assertive person chooses to feel good about themselves, free from the concern of how others may judge them.  In a previous blog, we talked about the word, “appropriate” and how it presumes judgment of another.  We talked about expressing emotions in public and private settings and the probability that someone will judge you BUT you have the right to ignore them.  Outside influences may introduce feelings of happiness, or feelings of stress, fear and regret.  An assertive person understands their right to express how they feel, as long as that expression does not cross their own or anyone else’s boundaries.  You do not have the right to violate someone else’s right to feel good about themselves.   

Nice Outfit! 

Here is a real-life example starring, again, one of Ben’s daughters!  She was invited to a birthday party at Sky Zone, a fun place for kids to play sports, jump on trampolines and navigate a ninja course.  She loves to wear dresses but needed one that was snug enough to prevent it from becoming entangled during exercise.  She tried on a dress and jumped around the house a little and it seemed like it would work.  Then, I noticed there was a hole in it and said, “You can’t wear that dress because I can see your underwear.”  I understand the value of letting her choose, and the right to feel good about herself, so we agreed that she would wear a pair of shorts under the dress. 

Ben’s other daughter likes to repurpose her clothes – and make outfits for Barbie from, say, a sleeve!  She loves being crafty with paint, glue and even food, but is not concerned with wearing a smock or apron to protect her clothes.  Ben insists that a paint can sneezed on her, but the stains from cooking and crafting don’t seem to bother her.   

When Ben and his wife talked about both circumstances, they agreed that in spite of how some people might judge their family, the girls are not crossing any social boundaries with their choices of apparel.  They observe their own boundaries by ensuring coverage of their bodies, and not exposing any undergarments.  They believe that their daughters have the right to feel good about themselves including the clothes they wear (there are some exceptions) and that outside opinions are irrelevant.  Someone could say, “That’s inappropriate, go back home and change clothes.”  They are judging the choices the girls made, maybe even shaming them, and taking away their right to feel good about themselves.  In the real world, moms and dads know that peer pressure is more effective than parental restrictions in some matters, so the girls might outgrow wearing holey or stained clothes in the end. 

Refuse to Let Others Decide for You 

Do people usually choose to feel good about themselves?  From our perspective, the answer is usually “No” because we often rely on other peoples’ opinions to help make decisions.  It’s not all bad – sometimes others have good ideas that we can use to better our lives – and an assertive person will take advantage of that opportunity.  When we filter through their perspectives and adapt or adjust for our own authenticity, we experience a positive augmentation in our lives.  However, a passive person will just adopt someone else’s advice to avoid conflict.  Another problem comes when the other person is manipulative (an aggressive behavior) whether they are conscious of the root of it or not.  In their quest to achieve a particular end goal, they may trigger certain feelings in you.   

Lynn learned many years ago to reject the notion that someone else could decide how she feels.  Before that, she succumbed to feelings of shame or sadness if someone made a negative comment.  They wanted to ascribe a label to a certain set of characteristics.  Today Lynn refuses to utter any words of acceptance of their attempts to make her feel a certain way.  On a deeper level, she sees that individuals who have autism, intellectual or mental health conditions are criticized, labeled and they are viewed negatively for their maladaptive behaviors.  They are really only doing what they know will work for them to be heard or to get what they need.   

What about the adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”?  Is it fair to deny others the right to feel and express emotions?   Passive people may use the “silent treatment” when they do not know how to respond to someone else.  Usually, they are not doing it to be abusive; they lack the skills to communicate their thoughts and emotions.  They are uncomfortable standing up for their right to feel good about themselves.  In this type of co-dependent relationship, the other person feels they are being intentionally punished for whatever they said or did to bring on this reaction.  The aggressive person will lash out, making the situation worse, because that’s how they learned to deal with this type of behavior.   

You Can Teach an Old Dog New Tricks 

Many people grew up in families where it was not acceptable to express feelings, especially anger, and they developed default mechanisms to manage emotional stress.  An assertive person looks for a better way to relate to others, to express their feelings and allow others that same freedom within the boundaries of their relationships.  If you are in a relationship with someone who cannot tolerate the “silence” response, or perceives your response type as punitive, then work to eliminate it by using a different behavior.  If a stressful situation arises, use an alternative mechanism to address it, thus preserving the open line of communication.   

An assertive response is to continue talking through the problem as best as you can while caring for each other’s sensitivities.  Learn what works (by asking and telling) and change your behavior accordingly so that each one’s needs are met.   That doesn’t mean turning yourself inside out just to please someone else; it means that you can choose to do things differently to prevent them from feeling abused because you understand how they think (or something that happened to them in the past).  It is possible, however, that a short period of silence to maintain self-control is beneficial for the relationship.  This adaptive behavior may start out with one person saying, “I need to step away from this conversation for a moment, to gather my thoughts and assess my feelings.  I will come back to talk with you in an hour or so.”  Over time, a more desirable interaction style can be developed but this statement may be compressed into, “I’m done” and stepping away without the other person charging after you.   In your relationship playbook, this becomes an acceptable behavior, and no one feels hurt because they trust that you will return in good faith.  

In a larger context, you build a healthy relationship that allows for imperfect tactics, ones that are not seen as abusive where they might be seen that way in other settings.  We go back to the importance of communication – the heart-to-heart talks – this is how I feel and why I behave the way I do.  Ask, what does it mean to you and how do you feel about it?  You may tell someone, “I am taking care of myself so that I don’t do or say something to hurt you.”  You could even do this when you are feeling unwell, “I have a cold or a stomach ache (or an episode of sadness), I just don’t want to be with anyone else right now.”  This is a responsible way to manage feelings of discomfort and ensure others you are not angry or being manipulative.  You are teaching them, “This is where I’m coming from” without lashing out or blaming them.  It is their responsibility to believe you without judging or retaliation.  Boundaries. 

Teach Your Children Well 

We believe it is important to teach children how to manage their stress, too, by encouraging them to communicate how they feel and what they want to do about it.  It isn’t easy though, if a student becomes upset and runs from a classroom, the teacher has a responsibility to ensure the student’s safety.  If the student said, “I’m going to go to the bathroom and try to calm down” then the teacher should accept it.  The student is staying within the boundaries of behavior and safety while trying to control her own reactions.  The teacher then should reflect on how the problem started.  What is occurring in the environment that caused the student to become so upset?  What should the teacher do to diffuse the situation and create a safe environment for the student?  None of those things is likely to happen in the real world.  It is a complicated situation, mainly because social institutions are organized around rigid systems of rules, and most adults are ill-equipped to manage non-conforming behavior.   

Many people still think that children are a separate class of people and they should be taught to be compliant, follow directions and do what they’re told.  They think this is the way to becoming an independent, self-assured adult who takes responsibility for their behavior.  It is not.  Teaching a playbook for self-automated adults includes allowing children to make decisions, like wearing clothes with paint blobs.  If adults are uncomfortable with that – Too Bad!  Exerting undue pressure or control over decisions that do not violate personal boundaries is abusive to the child’s sensibilities.  The same goes for being able to express feelings and emotions so that our right to feel good about ourselves is protected.  Assertive people accept when others express their feelings and acknowledge when someone reserves their right to express them until they are ready to do so.   

As a collective society, we acknowledge that rules exist – often, they protect us – and leaders are responsible to explain the purpose behind the rules.  We believe people should spend more time understanding their emotions and finding ways to communicate them while maintaining rules as well as personal and social boundaries.  You are responsible for your feelings – you can change the external factors that caused those feelings or change your feelings.  You are not a victim!