When is it Appropriate to Cry? 

Well, the short answer is “anytime”, however, as you will see, there are times when you might want to delay an emotional reaction until a more appropriate time.  How about weddings and funerals?  In our society, those are acceptable places where people cry, although for completely different reasons.  Other than those two examples, tears are often followed by someone else comforting you, saying, “There, there, don’t cry” or “It will be okay”.  While they mean well, they are reinforcing a social contract that insinuates a ban on public displays of emotion.  They are saying, this is not an appropriate place for you to cry. 

What about that word, “appropriate”?  We hear it all the time.  It is often used in communities that serve people with disabilities – if a person acts appropriately, they can have a treat.  They learn that certain behaviors are inappropriate, and although they may not understand why they simply react by stifling the impulse.   

An assertive person does not use the word appropriate.  It invokes judgment of someone else’s behavior and we do not condone judging others.  Judging someone’s behavior as appropriate (or inappropriate) ignores situational context; it is your interpretation of their actions.  So, when you say, “Don’t cry” it is because their crying makes you feel uncomfortable – you do not acknowledge the reason they are crying.   

Rather than judging what is appropriate, it is more important to understand what is useful in each situation.  Knowing your own boundaries is as important as knowing the boundaries of others.  Here is an example:  If someone starts yelling, an assertive person says, “If you must yell, please go somewhere else and yell.”  It is okay if you feel angry, and want to yell, but I do not care to hear you yelling.  It’s not a punishment, as social media insists, it is simply an assertion of my right to reinforce my personal boundary.  You have the right to express yourself, to take responsibility for your actions, and ultimately to honor my boundary. 

In some settings, “common sense” rules the day although its application is not universal.  Parents want to teach their children to use common sense, think things through, and consider the possible outcomes of their behavior.  But whose rules are we talking about?  Years ago, women wore hats and gloves whenever they went outside their homes; it was considered appropriate to do so.  Those rules do not apply today.  Parents set rules and discipline their children when a rule is broken.  It is better to teach children “why” they should do something (and the possible consequences if they don’t) instead of teaching compliance and fear of punishment.   

Leaders know when to display emotions and when to delay them.  They also know how to express their emotions.  They do not decide to display emotions based on socially acceptable norms of behavior – or what someone else judges as appropriate.  They decide based on whether it serves the relationship at that moment.   

Expressing your emotions has consequences, whether the expression is considered positive, neutral or negative – all actions and behaviors have the potential to affect others.  You have the right to feel and express your feelings anytime, but when you crossover and tread on somebody else’s safety or well-being, that's when it's a problem.  When you take responsibility for your actions, you really wouldn't harm somebody, you would react in a different way. 

I Couldn’t Help it – I was so MAD! 

It is okay to have feelings, but you must take the responsibility to express them in the right way.  Choose to exercise self-control or restraint.  Just because you have a feeling doesn't mean that you must become a slave to a primal, instinctive reaction.   In conversation sometimes with Ben, people will decide, “This is the hill I am going to die on.”  They think he will stay and fight with them.  They really want him to believe that somehow their anger was so overwhelming that they lost all rational and reasonable self-control.  We acknowledge there may be some states of anger when that is true, but only in very acute and isolated moments of life.  That is rare and not part of the discussion here. 

We are mainly talking about people who get angry, yell at someone, and get verbally abusive.  We've all seen that person in society who literally has lost self-control either because they didn't bother to care or because they’ve lost the will.  “You just made me so mad that I couldn’t help yelling- it's your fault!”  At that point, Ben will agree with them, “Well, if that's true then you need to check yourself into a 72-hour in-patient treatment because now you're a threat to society.”  One time, the other person would not agree they had any sort of responsibility and was willing to die on the hill of “rights and freedom of choice”.  He waited while they explained that they didn’t deserve to be locked up, they had the right to act this way in a free society.  They insisted they were fully functional and a reasonable person as a participant in society.  Once the tirade ran its course, Ben said, “So what you are telling me is that you can control yourself.”  The principle is this:  If you cannot control your emotions, you cannot be free in society because you are dangerous to others.  That’s mob mentality.  Reason, rationality, self-control and the ability to exercise self-determination separates us from the rabid beasts roaming the planet. 

Have you seen the movie, “Falling Down” with Michael Douglas?  His character is having a really bad day.  He’s driving in his car – it’s really hot, he’s stuck in traffic – and he snaps.  His frustration and bitterness turn into a violent rampage across Los Angeles.  This Hollywood fantasy action movie taps into the notion, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just lose control and act out my emotions?”  Well, you are in trouble if you believe this reflects our society because it is not who we are.   

When is it OK to Express Emotion? 

Expressing yourself is a valid response to your emotions, as long as your expression stops before you cross someone else’s boundaries.  The behavioral contract in our society created a bias against emotional expression.  You have the right to feel the way you do, and the right to choose whether, and how, you express those feelings.  You must take responsibility for any expression you choose, including the potential for damage to your relationships. 

Here is an example from a professional workplace setting.  A woman (let’s call her, Betty) is in an “Emerging Leader” position, working as an intern to a Director role.  She cries easily and has difficulty delaying the emotional reaction until she has some privacy.  Betty cries in front of her staff, but they don’t understand what emotional space the tears come from.  They are caught off-guard, shaken by this display in a professional setting, and they question whether they can trust her.  Betty has the right to express her emotions, but there are consequences when she does so in front of her subordinates.  John Maxwell believes that one of the traits of a strong leader is to know when to display your emotions and when to delay them.   

For people in close relationships like marriage or lifelong partnerships, Lynn believes that expressing one’s emotions has relational consequences, too.  There are times to delay your reactions (to take the sting out of it) and times when honest emotional expression is valued.  Ben has a friend that he can “vent” to on the phone any time he feels the need to talk about something like traffic or a bad customer service experience.  “I have to tell you about this horrible stuff that happened to me today!”  He has learned to delay his reactions until he can express them in a safe way to someone who will listen without judging.  Otherwise, he could flip the bird, trigger a road rage incident, or shout personal insults to a clerk who doesn’t set policy but needs to reinforce it.  But honestly, where is the value in that? 

Turn on the Water Works! 

Since we’ve used the example of crying to illustrate some of the points, let’s look at another side of this form of emotional expression.  The ability to cry on demand is an essential skill for some actors – who can forget Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump, “I miss you, Jenny”.  Or for those of a certain age, Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca or Vivien Leigh in Gone With the Wind. 

In real life, some people can cry on demand to manipulate someone emotionally.  They weaponize their expression, intent on projecting blame onto someone else, and assume that others do the same.  Many of us have been victims of someone trying to manipulate us emotionally, sometimes with crying.  We may fear that our response will damage the relationship, and take a safer route, such as reverting to codependency. 

In relationships, people should be able to trust each other when an emotional expression is shared.  How can we know the depths of someone’s heart? If we assume their intent is malevolent, it jeopardizes positivity and trust in the relationship.  Judging another in this way creates a barrier in the relationship which will stand if it continues.  It says, “I don’t trust that you are being genuine.”  It’s all about me.  Assertive people know it’s not about “me” when someone expresses emotion, assuming the expression respects personal boundaries.  When someone cries, seek to understand why, and accept the explanation.   

What About Positive Emotions? 

People have a “baseline” personality, which lends predictability to relationships.  Lynn is practicing awareness of her mental state of happiness.  Sometimes, she becomes more confident, talkative and even playful!  She finds that people are less trusting if she expresses her emotions in different physical and verbal ways than they are accustomed to seeing.  She notices that they pull away in the same way as if she was sad or acting sullen – either way she is out of the neutral zone – and they are suspicious.  

We choose how we present ourselves to the world and people form relationships with that version of us.  Most of our relationships are superficial.  Let’s look at two people in a professional relationship scenario to illustrate this principle:    

They haven’t known each other very long.  There is no core-to-core connection because you must know someone well to form relationships core-to-core.  It’s not common in business relationships.  They know what to expect when they’re together. It’s not fake, but it’s somewhat superficial, following the social norms of a professional relationship.   

The “guy” suddenly switches to salty, vulgar language, choosing to present himself as a down-to-earth, “manly man”.  The “gal” thinks, “What in the world is happening?  Has he had a psychotic break?”  

No, but his behavior is so far removed from the guy she’s come to know and trust that it would be concerning.  Rightfully so.   

Take time to re-calibrate when people have big personality shifts like that.  For yourself, when you traverse awakening moments, you will experience a new level of awareness and your life may no longer fit the way it did before.  This creates tension, and friction – some people leave their relationship with you – as you grow into a new version of yourself.  For the most part, we are talking about small, daily shifts but when somebody just apparently goes off on an emotional tirade, positively or negatively, “out of the blue” we may not know where that's coming from.  Pause and consider the source of that change. 

But What About…? 

We have to talk about situational exceptions.  Ben said that he has moments, like when he hosts game nights with his friends.  “I'm a lot less put together because I don't have to be.  I am with my friends – I don't have to lead.  I can say whatever comes to my mind.”  That wouldn’t work in all settings.  Now we're back to social biases - there is an expected band of what we consider socially correct behavior - right and wrong.  People collectively decide society’s rules and we all decided, albeit subconsciously, what amount of emotional display is comfortable and (therefore) acceptable in public.  Here are two scenarios in the grocery store: 

I see somebody storming down the aisle with their kid in tow yelling at them, threatening to slap the teeth out their mouth if they don’t behave. 

I see a person walking down the aisle talking on their cell phone with their bestie about the great party they are going to later.  They are speaking so loudly that you can hear for aisles over. 

They are both equally disconcerting – one is viewed negatively and one is viewed positively – but they are both outside of the band of socially-acceptable grocery store etiquette. 

When somebody experiences your emotions and they do not accept it or they're uncomfortable with what they're experiencing, they want you to change so they feel more comfortable.  We’ve all experienced both of those grocery store scenarios; even so, we feel uncomfortable because they violated the unwritten social contract.  Now we have to pay attention and engage in the moment, rather than staying aloof and anonymous in the moment.  

Ben said, “Honestly, I don't want to engage with a random stranger planning a party with friends.  I'm just here to buy some bread, leave me alone.”  But you've done something outside of the norm and now I have to mentally calibrate and adjust.  I'm inconvenienced – I have to turn my brain on and work versus going through the motions of the grocery store chore. 

If I said, “Shut up over there!” your mind would validate that reaction – I feel justified in doing that because they're out of line, clearly.  It’s all about them.  They're not harming anybody by that public conversation.  Some people are judgmental with other people talking on their cell phones while walking down the aisle – well, what do you want him to do?   Talk to you?  It’s no different than if the friend is walking with them except you only hear one side of the conversation.  Leave him alone. 

Social Scripts 

In the past, social etiquette was codified, there were tomes telling us how to act in public.  Most people accepted the rules – don’t slurp your soup, use the proper utensils by course, and say please and thank you.  They were meant to set out a social contract by providing a script for us to follow in order to avoid potential conflict.  Unfortunately, when someone failed to follow the script, they were judged and deemed a pariah.  Today, the rules seem stuffy and unnecessary, and many people choose not to follow them.   

What happens when someone is on a different page of the social contract than I am?  I probably don’t think about it, but it is there in my subconscious.  When I expect other people to buy into my version of reality, I set myself up to be offended when they do not.  It’s their choice, but we should be aware of the potential for conflict if our social norms are mismatched.  Here is a simple example involving a phone call: 

Normal Script: “Hello, Ben speaking.”  “Hi Ben, this is John, I’m calling to schedule our appointment for next week.” 

Off Script: “Hello, Ben speaking.”  “When are we going to meet?” 

Ben’s Reaction: Who is this, what’s it about, I need to think about some “meeting”.  Annoyed. 

Everyone knows the phone call script – it’s in our best interest to follow the social contract on phone calls.  When someone chooses not to follow the script avoid judging them – it’s possible they don’t know the rules or they don’t like the rules – it doesn’t mean they are being rude intentionally.  Lynn has had this experience with autistic people, who may not operate within social norms.  For them, the social contract may not be inherent, or they may not perceive its value.  Her goal is to teach them how to avoid being chastised and minimalized in society when they choose not to follow social norms.   

Social contracts are a starting point, they're superficial, and are useful to help us manage our relationships.  The more you build a relationship with someone the more personal contracts are formed to guide your interactions.  These are mostly unwritten but are agreements about what is acceptable within the relational framework.   Ben shared a story about his daughter and her friends and how the unspoken contract helps their relationships.   

Last week, my daughter bought ice cream for her two friends.  A couple of days later, they planned to get together, and my daughter asked one of them to bring some snacks and drinks.  I slightly challenged her on that because it is not in my social contract.  I asked her, “Are you going to pay her back for those?”  She replied, “Oh no Dad.  This is just how we do it - she's fine with it.”   So, I backed off:  Either they are fine with it, or the other girl will object, and it will damage their friendship.  If all goes well, they have a personal contract that stands up.  It is okay to pick up the tab for friends and trust them to do the same the next time you have dinner together!