Assertive Boundaries: You Have the Right to Take the Time You Need to Respond

Going with my Gut is Best, Right?

This principle is one of Lynn’s favorites – she practices it often because it’s important to take time to think so that you can provide your best response.  When someone presses for an answer and you choose to respond quickly, even if it was your “gut reaction”, it may not be your best answer.  You might change your mind later and go back to them with a different answer.  Even though changing your mind is an assertive right (Number Four), from a big picture perspective it is better to give your best answer first.

When someone is trying to rush you into a response, you will feel pressure to respond.  When you identify that pressure and understand why they are pushing you, it is okay to say, “I feel rushed, I need time to think about it.”  Fear of judgment causes us to react unassertively.  Our unconscious beliefs about our feeling and actions will fool us into answering too quickly.  What if my supervisor thinks I am being insubordinate by choosing not to answer right now?  But, is that really true?

What if they think my hesitation is because I am thinking up a lie to tell them?  If I don’t have an answer on the tip of my tongue, they might think I’m making up a story.  To show I am genuine, I must give an answer immediately.  If the question is fact-based, and I know the answer I can respond right away.  If I don’t know the answer, I can still respond right away: “I don’t know.”  When someone asks a question that requires deciding, an assertive person takes time to think about it before responding. 

Frequently, when someone asks you a question, they have an assumption of your intent before you answer.  They will hear what they think you said rather than what you said.  They may make up a story about why you said what you said.  They may not even listen to your answer because they are planning their next move.  If I am receiving the question, I make assumptions, too.  I may misconstrue the question or your intent in asking it.  I may assume you have ulterior motives or that any answer I give will be unacceptable to you.  A simple way to avoid this is to ask questions.  Yes, it will take time but seeking to understand is important enough to preserve our relationship.  An assertive person understands that making assumptions about others is an aberration of the truth.

Wanna Buy a Used Car?

Everybody loves the experience they get when they go to an auto dealership to buy a used car, don’t they?

            “This price is only good for an hour!”

            “That’s the last one on the lot!”

            “You won’t find another beauty like this one!”

            “I need a decision now because I have other people who want this car!”

The salesperson’s job is to sell cars all day long, and they don’t like to lose a customer.  The pressure is real!  How would you respond?

            “I don’t know!”

            “I really wanted a blue one, but…”

            “I need to talk to my wife!”

            “Can I have some time to think about it?”

There is no conversation so crucial that you cannot take the time to think it through or talk it over with your spouse, partner, Mom and Dad or anyone else.  Adopting an assertive mindset prevents you from getting caught in the emotional loop.  It also puts you in control of the conversation, not the salesperson, “I am going to take 24 hours to make my decision.”  Your job is to ask questions, get clarity, and avoid an emotional response.  Remember that there are more choices other than, “Yes” or “No”.  We encourage people to proactively think about situations that might occur and have a practice session in your mind for how you want to react.  You have the right to walk away if the deal is not going your way, according to the experts. 

It's All About the Bacon!

Here is another example, close to home, of how emotions drive and influence our decisions.  Ben’s wife went to the grocery store with a plan – a shopping list – that included a very important item.  When she approached the butcher counter at Whole Foods, Megan noticed the price of bacon was much higher than expected.  Her emotional reaction was, “Wow, that’s a lot of money.  I really don’t want to pay that much.  Well, I guess we just won’t have bacon.”  Then, her mind pivoted and she reasoned, “Wait a minute, I came into the store with bacon on my list.  I’m so focused on the price, I don’t even remember why we need it.”  Megan decided to trust herself and the rational plan for shopping, knowing that there was a reason she needed to buy bacon.  Good choice.  Stick with the plan – deny the emotions at the moment – and make the purchase.  On the menu for dinner that night?  BLTs!

Quick Response = Emotional Response

The next time you are in a situation where you are caught off-guard, stop for a moment, and recognize your emotional reaction.  Your original plan goes sideways, but your response need not do the same.  Tell the other person, “I need time to think it through.”  Take time to respond with a genuine, thoughtful answer.  This is your most caring response as an assertive person.  Your mind will thank you and they will too. 

When we take time to reflect, understand our emotions and evaluate our decisions, we learn how to control our reactions in the moment.  This brain practice helps us lead a more assertive life.