Assertive Boundaries: You have the Right to Understand Others

I don’t know. I don’t understand. I don’t care. Sounds harsh, no?

We talked about your right to say, “I don’t know” in our last blog and the next two are somewhat related (if in no manner other than their brevity). Assertive people recognize that seeking to understand is a core principle in building relationships. We teach this character trait in our practice and assess staff on their ability to seek understanding. Seen through the lens of accepting others void of judgment, you must take the time to care and to ask them, “What are you trying to say?”

Taking personal responsibility is a thread through all these principles in the same way the concept of judgment applies to all of them. In her practice, Lynn reinforces with staff that they are expected to work at raising their own awareness of assertiveness and choosing to practice it. Awareness of my own lack of understanding should lead me to ask curious questions and validate my perceptions. Make an aware, conscious and informed choice to act even if the choice is to do nothing, then take responsibility for the choice.

When you hear something and make an assumption, or jump to a conclusion, you deny others the right to express themselves. You are not including them in your decision, which indicates a low level of sensitivity and acceptance. Responding based on your assumptions is a type of passive rejection and leads you into a trap. Ultimately, if this behavior continues, the parties suffer a breakdown in the relationship because of mistrust.

Have you watched a case trial in a court of law? During a trial, the concept of hearsay prevents a witness from testifying about facts not entered into evidence. When asked a question, the witness is not allowed to state their own perception (or assumption) of what happened. They must speak to the actions of the defendant and his or her statement of fact.

Prosecuting Lawyer to Witness: What happened the night of October 4th?

Witness: John told me he was going to go….

Defending Lawyer: Objection. Hearsay. John’s actions on October 4th are not part of the court record. Assuming facts not in evidence.

Judge: Sustained. The witness will speak only to what they actually saw themselves and not their assumptions of what happened that night.

If I want to tell you about a conversation that I had with someone, but I haven't first established the factual basis for why it's relevant and material to the subject you and I are discussing, it may be confusing to you. I’ve taken the conversation out of context and may cause you to develop a misinformed assumption about the words said. You may leap to judgment about that person without understanding what was at the heart of the conversation.

Curiosity Killed (only) the Cat

You have the right to understand – the right to stay with the conversation and build on it until you do. Do we have the same understanding of the words used? Yes, this may frustrate others, especially if they perceive you’re just nit-picking or they feel that you don’t trust them. Bear in mind, that there is also “face value” versus “minutiae” so beware of both ends of the spectrum. If you are buying a car, you want to know more than just the paint color, but you probably do not need to know the formula for gear ratio to torque (unless you’re planning to race it). A good salesperson is happy to provide a reasonable amount of information before you buy their product, knowing that this exchange first builds your willingness to buy into the relationship.

An assertive person realizes there are times they will not understand something they hear or see. It takes humility to admit that we lack perspective on an issue and expose ourselves to becoming vulnerable to others. Being curious helps clarify someone’s intent in the moment, and our perception of their behavior. Over time, the relationship benefits through building an understanding of the words someone uses, or the way they express their thoughts to us. You are saying, “I want to participate fully in this conversation and respect our mutual intent to enrich our relationship.”

How, What, Why?

How do you know what question to ask when you want to know why? It’s easy to ask the car sales rep how to set the clock on the dashboard, or where the gas tank gets filled. Not so easy – dealing with people’s behavior: “Why did you do that?” “How could you be so stupid?” – with an emotional reaction. When I am humble and seeking to understand a better way to phrase my question is: “I truly don’t know what happened, would you help me to understand why you did that?” Now, they might become impatient or even aggravated with you, but you have set the stage for meaningful dialogue by keeping an open mind about their actions. You avoided allowing your pre-conceived notions or assumptions to judge them. You showed that you authentically value your relationship and were willing to take the time to seek to understand them.

What’s in a Word – Understand vs. accept

Sometimes, the word understand is used when someone means they accept what you said. Conversely, if someone is not emotionally prepared to say they accept what you’ve said, they may say that they don’t understand. This often means they don’t understand “why” you said it, thus they cannot allow it to become part of their mental processes. Does this sound familiar?

Child: I want another piece of cake!

Parent: No!

Child: I don’t understand why you won’t let me have another piece of cake!

Parent: It’s not good for you!

Child: Why can’t I?

Parent: No!

Your child probably understands why she can’t have another piece of cake, but she doesn’t accept your answer. In the wrong hands, this circular argument leads to nowhere and harms the relationship. Lynn had a more serious example of a young man living in a group home. He’ll say, “My mom doesn’t understand that I want to move back home.” He thinks that if Mom understood him, she would accept his request to come home because he is sincere in his desire to do so. Mom has reasons why he is staying in a group home and her son feels emotional about what he perceives as rejection. When words matter, the difference between understanding and accepting is crucial.

In the last blog, you read the story of Ben’s conversation with his daughter about bedtime. Her set bedtime is a rule, based on common sense and is not open to negotiation. Each time she asks why she has to go to bed at that time, Ben reminds her of the logic behind bedtime being at 8:30. There is no ambiguity around the rule, and her attempt at manipulating the decision or undermining the rule fails every time. It’s okay that she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t even have to accept it, but resistance is futile!

Assertive people know that understanding others is a core principle in building relationships. When I tell you, “I don’t understand” I can’t just leave it at that. I am genuinely interested in knowing why you said or did something, and I can ask questions that focus on it specifically. My open curiosity helps you to know what information I need to relate to you better.

Do I Have to Understand?

If I don’t want to understand something, I can walk away, or choose to tell them why. Remember, that in all cases, I take responsibility for my ignorance. What if it’s something that is important to someone you care about – maybe it’s important to them that I understand – and they will be disappointed if I act like I don’t care. Ben said he could care less about music theory but if he’s just sitting around with friends and someone starts talking about it, he may pay attention, knowing that it is important to him or her. His friend wants him to have some knowledge of music theory and maybe learn about some aspect of it that would enhance his enjoyment of music. So, they pass the time and engage in conversation to build relational capital with this friend who is passionate about the topic.

Here is a lighter-hearted example of seeking to understand. In medieval times, cooking guidelines were documented and aimed at people (men) who were already trained chefs. A recipe started, “Take an equal measure of flour and water and add a fair amount of sugar. Mix until smooth.” What is a fair amount of sugar? A chef would know how much to add. Salt was not mentioned in the recipe because the chef would know to add salt. In the mid-1800s, people (women) with less skill started cooking in their homes and needed more information or instructions. Publishers printed cookbooks for people whose culinary skills were unknown to them. Since they were unaware of the level of competency of the home cook, they included specific quantities and techniques for the recipes to make sure the cook understood what to do. Ben had to work late yesterday, so asked his wife to prepare dinner. She didn’t need the play-by-play, so he gave rudimentary instructions for “Pork and Peppers” – put some oil in the pan, add the garlic. She asked him what spices to use and he gave her some suggestions based on her flavor preferences.

These blogs are teaching you how to be a master chef so that you don’t need to look at a recipe to know that you should add a little salt to your pasta water. Be the salt of the Earth!