Fear and Love

Fear – It’s Out There 

Do you feel it? A nagging thought, a subconscious knowing that “something” is out there – it’s an experience or a belief. You think there’s more to living a fulfilling life and it’s frustrating.   

Are you looking for a checklist, a how-to guide, a step-by-step formula to get there?  Sometimes, we know that something is missing and there is something within us, a spiritual energy that tells us something is more important than ending up with the house, 2.5 kids, a dog and a cat. We go internal, inside, to where we fully express and unfold our real selves. Hopefully, it causes us to be humble, be honest, be sincere. We can stop thinking that the world owes us, or that if we just play a better game and manipulate the rules we’ll get ahead.   

If that’s YOU, this blog will serve its highest function, to give you the knowledge and framework to sink your mental teeth into. Step out of the skewed-belief mindset that because you feel bad, you must be a broken person. You’re not.   

All of this has everything to do with becoming the most authentic version of who you are.

We don’t confront, we don’t challenge, we don’t condemn. We want to equip you with the resources to decide if you want to change or step out. You alone, you decide, you choose the path. We hope you’ll stay – agree or not – and talk with us about fear and love and what it means to you. 

When you recognize the different ways fear and love can manifest in your behavior, you become more aware of how they impact your relationships.  Lynn said: 

“I have this this pretty firm belief that all of this has everything to do with becoming the most authentic version of who you are - because all of these character elements all the fear and love that is at play here is why we're expressing our true selves, or we are not doing so to the utmost.  Most people are honest enough to admit that they’re not doing everything they can to live fully, and this blog is for you.” 

Why should you take our word for it? You might be interested in the topic, or curious about our viewpoints. You may be aware of our background and have read our previous blogs or watched our videos. We may have a professional relationship with you, and you may have experienced a mastermind meeting or coaching session. 

One of our coaches, Paul Martinelli, builds his credibility by sharing, “I've been reading this for many years, and I've studied this; I've done this many lessons, studied subjects on all these things. Based on all of that I have come to know that the way to build credibility is to show that I’ve been living it.” He doesn’t make a list of his credentials, but he makes a persuasive argument like we do, “This is why it’s important, this is how we know it is, this is why you should think so, too.” You decide what is important to you. You decide whether the way you’re living works or not. If not, examine it and find a better way.  

The Search Begins 

Lynn started us out, saying, “I'm passionate about raising awareness and identifying the different forms of fear and love and how they show up in our lives.” For example, all the character elements we discussed in our previous blog series showed how they influenced the outcomes of assertive or non-assertive behavior. She’s worked for years training staff to acknowledge their lack of awareness of how fear affects their daily personal and work lives.   

She went back to where her journey began, when she started searching for ways to express her thoughts and feelings. She was very unhappy and anxious but didn't really know what she was experiencing.  

As a young girl, teachers always commented on her report cards that she lacked self-confidence – every freaking one! That was a theme that she carried into adulthood, believing it was true. She remembered wondering why that was true but never questioned why it was said until she was older. Nobody offered an explanation or tried to help discover the root of it.   

Something was missing, but she didn’t know where to get help sorting it out. All she had was a never-ending yearning to go find what was out there. First, she went to bookstores and looked at all the titles in the self-help and psychology sections. If something caught her eye, she’d open the book randomly; if it spoke to her, she bought the book. Along the way, she went back to college for the fifth or sixth time and took a class on assertive behavior which opened a little window of awareness.   

She thought she was happy, but she demonstrated all the behaviors of an unhappy person, thinking that’s just her way of life. She developed physiological symptoms and realized that her relationships were falling apart. She had acute panic attacks to the point of agoraphobia and went to see a doctor. He prescribed medication which she used for about a week, but didn’t believe it was the answer. She saw a counselor who, when she told him what she needed, said, “You already have more awareness than what I could offer.”   

“I am a beautiful, passionate and worthy woman.”

Lynn read Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom (HarperCollins, 1998) and learned about how to take responsibility for her life and relinquish attempts to influence other peoples’ decisions. She discovered how the mind and body are connected, and how her choices led to physiological problems and unhappiness in her core relationships. She ended a destructive relationship and began a training course that was life-altering although at the time, she knew what she needed to do but didn’t know why. It was scary and cost a lot of money, but it was the window to her future.   

Working Through the Fear 

Lynn went through several experiential exercises and interactions with a group of people to reveal how she was showing up. There were three parts: 

The Stand - She realized that all her unhappiness and lack of confidence developed because she never knew what she stood for – she never stood up for herself – and therefore was susceptible to whatever was put before her.  Fear gripped her and dominated everything she felt, thought and did.  She saw herself in the shadows, looking pathetic. 

The Reach – This stage brought to life the fear that she was in, and how it determined what someone has or doesn’t have.  In one of the exercises, the facilitators could discern weaknesses through the way people described themselves.  When Lynn shared the description she wrote one of the leaders said, “No, that’s not it.”  She didn’t know what she was supposed to be doing, so then she wrote a statement to describe who she was but was not living as: “I am a beautiful, passionate and worthy woman.”  She didn’t believe anything about that, wasn’t showing up that way, but realized that was really who she was (and is today).  They brought it to life for her.   

One of the most profound exercises was when they were in a group of about 50 women who happened to be of similar backgrounds.  They started out with an exercise acting like “bland yogurt” and danced their way into becoming Tina Turner performing, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”  You can see why she is so passionate about this – because she knows what love has to do with it – and how fear kept her from being herself for many years. 

At the end of this session, the facilitator called Lynn up in front of the whole group and she remembers thinking, “I am going to faint and vomit all at the same time.”  She doesn't remember what the facilitator said but Lynn talked about her experiences and was asked, “So, when are you going to start to love and live?”  It was a gift.  When they walked out of that class, people said that she looked different – they could see that something had changed.  The awareness and the belief and the courage came out and she never turned back.   

The Edge –  Finally, the group’s task was to take their newly found awareness and everything they’d built up to bring themselves into service to others.  They decided to raise money to buy clothes, toys, food and medical supplies for some orphanages in St. Petersburg, Russia and everyone had a role.  It was hard for Lynn and tested her on many levels, but she had to trust the process because it was something bigger than myself. She thought about the person she had become, the confidence developed along the way, and how she used that during our time in Russia.   

They had an interpreter because no one in the group spoke the language.  They had to trust him and trust the vodka-sipping drivers to get them to the orphanage because they had no idea where they were.  One time while waiting for a ride, people started freaking out and wanted to start walking but Lynn said, “No, we should stay here.”  Her intuition kicked in and she trusted her own judgment – and eventually the driver arrived.   

Renewed Confidence 

“When you come to the edge of all the light you have and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on - or you will be taught how to fly.” Patrick Overton. Lynn said this quote describes her experience in the program. 

Paul Martinelli would say, “Just jump and you'll learn to build your wings on the way down.”  We can’t guarantee this is the best advice in every situation, but if you want to talk about your fear, don't hesitate to reach out.