Fear and Love: Codependent Relationships

Was it the Chicken? 

Codependence in its many forms is a coping strategy, albeit a poor one, to mitigate fear. The codependent person believes he or she is only worthy if they are validated by some external factor. Lynn related back to her transformational experience she shared in a previous blog post. She’d been trapped by fear in a codependent relationship and didn’t trust herself until she recognized that fear was at the root. Ben said that codependent people assume that the other person in the relationship has the same mindset. They feel a need to “take care” of the other person’s choices and go through mental acrobatics to achieve that goal. Here’s an example: 

Scott spoke to Amy at lunch time, and she said she was busy trying to correct a problem caused by someone on her team. Leaving work, Scott thinks, “If I had a bad day like that, I’d want someone to make dinner for me. Amy must feel that way too.” He decides to stop at the store on the way home and pick up a few things to make a meal. That’s nice!  

On the surface, this sounds like a sensitive, caring partner who wants to treat his loved one after a long day at work. And it is – don’t get us wrong! Maybe Scott had a bad day too, but he’s going to rise above it because he wants to make Amy happy. However, you may not have noticed that Scott stripped Amy of her agency (her ability to choose) in what to have for dinner. He decided to make chicken with noodles and vegetables in a creamy herb sauce.  

Amy got home and went into the kitchen. She looked at the stove and said, “Oh. Chicken.” Scott glared at her and thought, “How ungrateful!”  

Maybe Amy wanted to order a pizza and go to bed early. Maybe, Ben suggested, she fed her feelings with a pint of ice cream on her way home, and she’s not even hungry! The codependent trap was open for Scott to say, “I made this whole dinner just for you – I thought I was being nice – why can’t you just enjoy it!” His feelings of worth about the thought and effort he put into the dinner are tied to her lack of enthusiasm and the whole scene devolves into blame and dysfunction. 

Scott stripped Amy of her agency.

Scott didn’t understand or acknowledge his motivation for the dinner was to feed the overbearing theme of their relationship – I did this for you and you need to appreciate it. I expect something in return. My feelings are more important than your lack of hunger. 

The Present Trap 

Here’s another example from Ben, since we just celebrated Christmas. Have you ever given someone a present and they said, “Oh, you shouldn’t have. I didn’t get you anything.” That’s a line out of the codependent playbook. Most people give gifts because they want to, not because they expect something in return (we hope). 

Here’s a story he used to illustrate the concept further: 

Megan usually takes the responsibility for getting Christmas presents for their family. Last fall, Ben finally convinced her to let him help, hoping to relieve her from some of the stress. She handed over part of the list and Ben’s mother was on his list. When Ben asked her what she’d like for a gift, she replied that she didn’t want any presents. There was a little back-and-forth, but ultimately Ben took her word for it, and crossed off her name! He decided that instead of buying something she didn’t really want, he’d have to think about it some more.  

Christmas Day arrives: 

Imagine the scene: Everyone is opening presents and Ben’s Mom has nothing in front of her! Other family members are indignant and stare at Megan in disbelief. Megan points at Ben and shouts, “He was supposed to get a present for her!” Major meltdown at Millard Mansion! 

But wait, Ben told Megan a couple of days before that his Mom didn’t want any presents, she only wanted to spend some time with the family after the holiday. Everybody was happy! 

Do you know a family where the presents are the most important thing about the holiday? Everybody has the same number of presents, lots of them, no matter what is actually inside the box or the stocking? You might get a keychain with the local hardware store logo on it, or a box of Kleenex, but you’re getting lots of presents! Oh, and the presents are opened one by one, going around the room, one person at a time so that each gift can get its deserved recognition. If you have a large family, it can take hours, and nobody leaves the room or plays with any toys until everybody is done. Later, you find the toddler asleep under about three feet of wrapping paper. 

Oh, you shouldn’t have. I didn’t get you anything.

The underlying theme of both scenarios is codependency – either disgust at giving someone no presents or making a grandiose display of the process. In the example with Ben’s mom, he trusted her word when she told him she didn’t want any presents. He may have found something she would like on his shopping expeditions, but he didn’t feel obligated to buy a present. So, the person who calls him a monster for not giving her a gift has missed the point.  

Take this blog as a long rumination on presents as a totem poster child for where codependent thoughts intersect in a family (holiday) setting. Next time, we’ll continue our discussion of emotions and how they all tie back to fear and love. For more information, don't hesitate to reach out.