What assertiveness really means

Before we get started, let’s clean up a common misconception about assertiveness. Assertiveness is not the ability to have things go your way. Practicing assertive behavior will not increase the likelihood that people will do things you want them to. But it will help you respond to others without feeling taken advantage of. It will also help you decide how to respond to requests from others in a way that honors what you want and need in a relationship.

Assertiveness is much more than a communication skill. It’s a mindset and outlook on life that says “My needs and wants are valuable,” and “I can choose how to act or react to others. They can’t control me.”

The benefits of assertiveness

Assertiveness creates the balance that passive-aggressive approaches try to achieve but fall short of. The assertive approached may be viewed by passive people as aggressive. In the same vein, aggressive people may view the assertive approach as passive.

The reason for this is because the assertive behavior establishes and holds healthy boundaries without demanding a specific response or course of action from other people.

When you adopt an assertive mindset, you adopt the belief and viewpoint that each person is responsible for their own actions and choices. I am responsible for what I do, think, and feel. You are responsible for what you do, think, and feel. Where those choices meet, we can make decisions that benefit both of us and create better relationships.

The main goal of an assertive approach is to create and maintain healthy, loving relationships. When you are assertive, you understand that you may not always get what you want. Others may also not get what they want. But both sides will be safe, honored, and get those things that create win/win scenarios and move the relationship forward.

The surprise result of assertiveness is this: when both sides embrace the assertive approach, more people get more of what they want more of the time!

How to become assertive

You’ll become more assertive when you focus less on what others are doing, thinking, and feeling, and put that energy into shaping your own outlook on life. Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky & Southwest Ohio has put together 20 principles of assertiveness that can help you shift to a more assertive mindset (1).

They refer to these as the Assertive Bill of Rights. You can begin the process of becoming more assertive by taking each of these statements and incorporating them in your belief system.

When you are assertive, you understand that you may not always get what you want.

Each statement is taken directly from the pdf handout available on their website. I’ve added some deeper thoughts under each to help you understand and align with them.

One strategy that can work well is to pick one per week and use it as a daily affirmation for yourself.

Your Assertive Rights

Adapted from “Your Bill of Assertive Rights” by www.mhankyswoh.org.

1.    You have the right to judge your own behaviors, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

This first statement is the bedrock of assertive behavior. You, and only you, have the right to judge your behaviors, thoughts, and actions. But, and this is equally important, you must accept the full responsibility of this right.

Unassertive people might truly believe that they are subject to others’ judgements and opinions. This, in turn, could lead to excusing their behavior because, “They told me to do it.” They may blame others for how they feel (you made me mad) or justify the outcome of their actions.

2.    You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

When you have accepted the first statement into your beliefs and values, this statement will seem like a natural conclusion. If you, and only you, have the right to judge what you think, feel, and do, then there is no reason to justify or excuse your behavior. Because, put simply, there’s no merit in those judgements from others that could possibly require an explanation.

Unassertive people struggle with this because it’s very easy to feel attacked, convicted, or accused by others. We all want to be accepted, and we’re all social creatures. So we place a high value on how we fit in with a valued social group. It’s easy to see how this can lead to the conclusion that having a group’s blessing for who we are is necessary.

The assertive person understands that we’re not truly accepted if we feel the need to gloss over or sugarcoat who we are and what we’re doing. The stronger relationship move is to be authentic to our true selves and seek groups that will accept us as we are instead of expecting us to change or hide ourselves for approval.

3.    You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

What this means, simply, is that you are not responsible for anything outside yourself unless you agree and accept responsibility for them.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never be responsible for other’s problems. If you manage a team of people or are a parent, you understand that you bear some responsibility for those situations.

You, and only you, have the right to judge your behaviors, thoughts, and actions.

What this does mean is that you have the power to choose which problems to take responsibility for, or not, and no one can force you to take that responsibility.

4.    You have the right to change your mind.

My first reaction to hearing this was, “Yeah, but won’t that hurt my relationships with other people?” Imagine this example: you’ve agreed to meet your friends at a movie. The tickets were ordered ahead of time. An hour before the movie, you change your mind and decide not to go. You can probably imagine the drama and relationship tension that decision might make.

The unassertive conclusion to make is that we should go to the movie anyway even if we don’t want to or won’t like it. When we do this, we’re running our life based on the external reasons of/for others, no matter what our justification might be: other people’s feelings will be hurt, we have an obligation, “good people” don’t back out of things, etc.

Assertive people understand that the relationship strain generated is a consequence of our decision, but we still have the right to make it. Sometimes, we might decide to go anyway in honor of the relationship. Sometimes, we might stay home and work to repair any relationship damage done. Whatever we decide, we have the right to decide it.

5.    You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.

Like the first statement, the key part of understanding this principle is linked to taking responsibility. I think we all understand that nobody’s perfect and that people make mistakes.

Agressive people will often criticize or punish others for their mistakes. Passive people often excuse, justify, or expect tolerance of their mistakes without doing anything to apologize or correct them.

Assertiveness teaches us to work to clean up any damage made by our mistakes or to correct our errors. Being assertive means you don’t judge a person poorly for having made a mistake. You also don’t accept others’ judgement for your mistakes. But you do actively work to make things right. You don’t settle for “It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes.”

6.    You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

What does this mean? That’s a lot of words. Put simply, you don’t owe other people anything for their charity. There is an unassertive belief that if I’ve done something nice for you, you have an obligation to me. Maybe it’s to pay me back. Maybe it’s to help out when I need help. Maybe it’s to do what I say. These are all codependent traps that seek control.

Before working on cleaning and fixing this type of deeply ensnared relationship, you have the right to be independent of that relationship first. You have the right to refuse gifts. You have the right to do things by yourself, for yourself, and in benefit of only yourself.

Assertive people understand that the relationship strain generated is a consequence of our decision, but we still have the right to make it.

Assertive people know that a gift comes without expectations, reciprocity, or obligation.

7.    You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

Think of these common responses to holding your boundaries: “Be reasonable!” “Think this through!” “Don’t be so temperamental!” The truth is: we are emotional creatures. Though logic and reason are very valuable tools in making decisions and keeping our emotions in check, they are not the only way we make decisions.

Even if the decision we make is poor, even if it doesn’t make sense, even if it’s not in our own best interest, we are allowed to make decisions however we choose. Like the earlier statements, we still bear responsibility for those decisions. Sometimes they cause relationship damage or other problems that we must take responsibility for cleaning up. But they’re ours to make.

Unassertive people operate from the belief that there are conditions or limitations about the “right way” to think, or how things “should” be. As you gain confidence in your ability to assert your boundaries, you’ll come to understand your decisions don’t have to make sense to anyone other than you.

8.    You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”

Many times, the reason we end up making excuses, justifying our decisions, or telling little white lies is because we believe we are supposed to have everything figured out. When we don’t, we believe that others expect us to come up with something anyway. In this environment, the social pressure to come up with something “smart” to say can pull us into fear and, by extension, lies and stories.

There are two sides to saying, “I don’t know.” The first is when we do know, or when we can figure it out, but we don’t want to face up to it. The second is when we honestly don’t know but don’t want to admit it.

This statement is focused on the second side. If you do know, but don’t want to face it, the assertive response would be to say so. It’s also OK to say “I don’t want to talk about that.”

When you don’t know, you have the right to say so. Drawing from earlier statements, we understand that we do not need to accept any judgement others might have about our lack of knowledge.

9.    You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

Like the eighth statement, you are not “supposed” to understand everything that goes on around you. The same pressure that can cause someone to come up with an answer can also cause us to pretend to know what’s going on… even when we’re clueless!

Assertive people recognize that seeking to understand something is a core principle in building relationships. As assertive people, we exhibit curiosity and ask understanding-focused questions often. After all, how can we really relate to and be accepted by people if we don’t truly understand where people are coming from?

The unassertive approach is to “fake it until you make it.” Passive people will wait for context clues hoping that they can sound just smart enough to pass by. Aggressive people may go on the attack to cover up the fact they don’t understand the situation.

Assertive people are comfortable with being transparent about how they are perceiving and interpreting the world around them, even when they don’t understand it.

10. You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

When I talk about this point in live workshops, someone in the audience will inevitably bring up the point that this sentence just sounds mean, rude, etc. This is because when most people hear, “I don’t care,” they silently add on, “…about you” to the end.

This can be perceived as callous, cold, or abrasive. Assertive people understand that neutral statements, such as this one, are often interpreted as “aggressive” by passive people and as “passive” by aggressive people.

The words aren’t as important as the sentiment. Personally, I often will say, “I have no preference,” or “I have no opinion,” instead.

However you choose to phrase this sentiment, what remains true is your right to not care about any specific situation, event, or item.

11. You have the right to say, “No.”

“No” is always a valid answer. Above and beyond your right to say, “No,” as an assertive person you’ll extend this right to everyone around you. When we feel safe to say, “No,” something wonderful happens in relationships. We no longer feel the need to resist things and fight for our boundaries. Because when “No” is honored, there’s no more fight.

Passive people will wait for context clues hoping that they can sound just smart enough to pass by. 

In the absence of fighting for our boundaries, we can use that energy to work on improving our relationships with others instead. Even if others don’t honor your no, you still have the right to say it and to stick to it regardless of how the other person feels about it.

A passive person will have trouble saying no because they don’t want to be the “jerk.” An aggressive person will often misuse no as a tool to win fights over boundaries. The assertive person says and honors no so that power struggles become a thing of the past.

12. You have the right to do less than you are capable of doing.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sometimes you just won’t feel like doing one more thing. You have the right to leave it undone. That is, as long as you are in alignment with earlier statements in this article.

Leaving something undone that you could do may have its own set of consequences. I have three daughters. Often, my house lies in a state of disarray that would make Better Homes and Gardens weep. Some of the consequences of leaving the house untidy are that our couches can’t be sat on because of the laundry piles, our kitchen sink is always full of dishes and unavailable for use, and sometimes our hallway is just a dumping ground for children’s toys.

Each day, I have the choice to push a little harder to clean or to let it go. Because I know I have the right to do less than I’m capable of, it frees me to make that choice each day without feeling like I’m letting some greater ideal down or that I’m worth less because I didn’t clean.

This peace of mind leads to more days where I’ll do the extra bit than days that I won’t. It’s not perfect, but neither is it a major stressor in my life.

13. You have the right to take the time you need to respond.

There are very few situations in life that are so immediate that, “I’ll get back to you,” is off the table. An emergency medical situation might be one of those. But, except for some extreme cases, nobody needs your answer “right now.”

Passive people may think you’re angry at them if you don’t respond right away. Aggressive people may demand that you know it all “right now,” and may accuse you of not caring enough about them to respond.

By practicing this statement, you’ll come to understand the assertive truth. Taking the time you need to respond in the way that reflects the most genuine version of you is the most caring way to respond. You’ll avoid saying things you didn’t mean or that are misconstrued. You’ll also show that you cared enough about the other person to make sure you found the best answer or response to whatever the situation is.

14. You have the right to disagree with others – regardless of their position or numbers.

Let’s face it: peer pressure works. That’s why we teach our children how to recognize and respond to it early in life. But it keeps working even with adults. The pressure to conform or agree with a group of respected peers is very difficult to resist sometimes.

Aggressive people may go on the attack to cover up the fact they don’t understand the situation.

This is another case where there may be relationship factors to consider when deciding whether to voice your disagreement among a group of people. Assertive people recognize that we have the right to make that choice. We also understand that our decision to agree or not is based on our own internal factors, free from the pressure or influence of others.

15. You have the right to feel all of your emotions and express them appropriately.

Beware the word “appropriately” in this statement, because it inherently requires judgement of what is appropriate. The essence of the statement is that all emotions are valid.

This right is often resisted by passive people with the best of intentions. I’m sure you can think of a time you’ve been upset and crying only to have someone pat you on the shoulder and say, “There, there, don’t cry!”

Though their intention was to comfort and support you, the language betrays a deep social bias towards being uncomfortable with displays of emotion.

The assertive person understands that you have the right to feel and express emotion. The “appropriate” word is a stand in for, ”So long as that expression neither causes harm nor violates the rights of others.”

16. You have the right to ask questions.

Aggressive people don’t like to be challenged. As a result, they are easily annoyed or offended by questions. You’ll get responses like, “You should know that already.” This can have the effect of shutting a conversation down.

Passive people may find questions invasive. They may call you nosy, or ask you why you’re being pushy… even though you’re just asking! Have you ever tried to figure out where to go for dinner with a passive person? They will often deflect or avoid answering.

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Though these types of situations can be awkward and uncomfortable, the assertive person understands that questions – especially curious or information gathering questions – are necessary to a strong relationship.

It’s easy to inadvertently become aggressive with questions. Remember: you have the right to ask; they have the right to choose whether to answer or not.

17. You have the right to be treated with respect.

This statement can also be the subject of argument. There are many different definitions or views on what respectful conduct look like. The essence behind this statement is, “You have the right to have your boundaries honored and to have relationships without personal attacks.”

Put simply, you have the right to have all your rights honored.

Aggressive people will try to challenge your rights when they stand in the way of that person’s goals. Passive-aggressive people will try to undermine your feelings of self-worth about having these rights.

As you embrace this statement, you’ll come to understand that people who don’t honor your boundaries reflect their journey and mindset more than yours. You then can choose whether to keep relating to them or not.

18. You have the right to ask for what you want.

This statement is, I believe, one of the core tenets of an assertive mindset. To fully understand this statement, you must apply it to all people. Not only do you have the right to ask for what you want, but so does everybody else. When you combine this with the knowledge that you can say, “No,” you have the groundwork for healthy and non-judgmental communication.

I can ask for what I want, and I accept that you can say no. You can ask for what you want, and you accept that I can say no. Each ask, then, helps us learn about each other’s boundaries, what we’re willing to accommodate, and what we’re not.

As that understanding deepens, we’ll learn how to connect with each other and find solutions in the space between us.

19. You have the right to feel good about yourself, your actions, and your life.

People, circumstances, events, and other external factors cannot dictate how you feel. They can present stress or pressure that can evoke certain feelings. But you are ultimately not required to feel any certain way based on anything other than your internal mindset.

The assertive person understands that you have the right to feel and express emotion.

Aggressive people will try to control you by triggering certain feelings within you. They may threaten you, hoping to evoke fear. They may insult you, hoping to evoke outrage. They may take some other line meant to evoke a specific emotion that weakens your ability to hold your healthy boundaries.

Passive people will blame you for their feelings because they believe that others can control how they feel. They may play the role of the victim, even when no one is abusing them. They may judge you for feeling a certain way that doesn’t align with what they want.

If there are external factors in your life that evoke negative responses from you, you have the power to change your feelings or remove those things from your life.

20. You have the right to exercise any and all of these rights, without feeling guilty.

You also have the right to not exercise any of these rights. Either way, you are the only one who gets to control how you think, feel, and act.

By now, you can see clearly how the assertive mindset creates personal freedom and responsibility. You can probably see the benefit of both exercising these rights for yourself and creating space around you for others to exercise their assertive rights.

This won’t be easy. Not everyone will buy in to this way of thinking. That’s OK. You don’t need them to agree with this approach. By honoring this approach in yourself and in others, you will slowly change the way people treat you and create more positive and healthy relationships.

 

Resources

1. Mental Health America, “Your Bill of Assertive Rights,” https://www.mhankyswoh.org/Uploads/files/pdfs/Assertiveness-AssertiveRights_20130813.pdf