On Fear and Love Blogs

Root Cause Indicators 

This series of blogs, On Fear and Love, is intellectually dense, meaning that we are talking about a complex subject from an expert’s viewpoint. Our goal is not to make our readers Ph.D. candidates, but to illuminate the close relationship between fear and love. We hope that by illustrating the concepts of fear and love energy, you will come to believe (as we do) that all our thoughts, beliefs and actions come out of those primary emotions.  

Emotions are expressions that rest in the transitory realm between our conscious and subconscious minds. They are generated subconsciously. When they rise to consciousness, our first indicator that there's a disconnect (or we're out of alignment in our core) is when we have a negative response. We feel emotions of resentment, anger, self-loathing, fear, jealousy, or judgment that indicate what we are experiencing doesn’t match our expectations.  

Our expectations are based on our beliefs about how the world should be but when a conflict arises, we can recognize it and ask, “Why do I feel this way?” This question helps to identify the root cause of the conflict (not simply the source of it). The next step is to ask, “Do I want to change the way I feel or do I defend my reaction?” Most often, we short-circuit logical thought when we experience an emotion and quickly defend our reaction, “I’m right and you’re wrong!” That leads to a power struggle. 

I thought… 

The same principle holds true when someone has an expectation of another person, while the other person is unaware of the expectation. 

Marie: I thought you were going to stop and pick up something for dinner tonight. 

Jonah: I wasn’t planning to; I went to the gym after work. 

Marie: How can you be so thoughtless! What are we going to eat? 

Jonah: What are you yelling about? There’s leftover lasagna in the fridge! 

Ultimately, Marie and Jonah both wanted to have dinner, but they had different ideas of what they were going to eat that night! Marie was looking forward to maybe a rotisserie chicken, but Jonah didn’t feel any reason to buy more food when they had something on hand. This seems like a little thing, but the underlying assumptions are important when it comes to philosophical or fundamental values and beliefs. Try to think of something that’s deeply rooted in your belief system. Drill down – keep asking the question, “Why”?  

Our expectations are based on our beliefs about how the world should be.

Remember that old story about the newly married woman who put the ham in her pot a certain way. Her husband asked, “Why did you cut off the end and stick it on top with a toothpick?” “That’s the way my mother taught me,” was the reply. Husband doesn’t understand the sense of that, so he called his mother-in-law, who replied, “That’s the way my mother taught me.” Ring-Ring, “Hello, Grandma! Can you tell me why you cut off the end of the ham?” Grandma replied matter-of-factly, “My pot was too small, so I had to improvise.” 

Luckily, they got to the root cause of the peculiar meat-roasting methodology, and discovered there was no “tradition” involved, only common sense handed down two generations. Think about some long-held beliefs in your family or workplace and see if there’s room for adjustment. Some beliefs create attitudes or pre-dispositions in our behavior that pervade society and lead to discrimination. Think about your views of certain hair styles or clothing (tattoos and piercings), someone’s home or car, where they work or what they do in their spare time. Do you think, “I would never … ?” Or, are you curious about their background, why they look that way or do the things they do? Are you interested in understanding who they are without judging them or offering your opinion about their choices? 

Did I Ask For Your Opinion? 

There are times when someone tells us some news: One of your friends said they applied for a data entry job. “Ugh,” you groan, “the worst!” Clearly you have a negative attitude toward this type of task, and possibly to the people who do that type of work. Why do you feel that way? Do you think it is a demeaning job? Maybe you flashed back to a time when you took a data entry job with long hours and low pay, in a negative work environment. You might believe all the people there were terrible, and the company just sucked the life out of you. You developed an attitude about being a data entry clerk and it affected your beliefs.  

You loathe the very thought of that job and when your friend mentioned it, you verbally vomited on them, judging their career choices. Your friend admits, “Well, I like doing data entry.” Oh. “Well,” you reply, “That’s ok for you but I would never do it again.” What happens next is that your friend sulks away, hurt and confused, or they try to convince you that data entry is a great job. Either way, conflict was created when you violated their boundary. They never asked for your opinion, they were just excited about getting a new job. You could have just said, “Oh, you’re a data entry person, cool, good luck at the interview.” 

Another scenario is when someone does ask for your opinion, and you sense what they really want is validation of their decision. Here’s a classic example: 

“Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” 

“Do you really want my opinion?” 

“Yes, of course!” 

“No, you don’t.” 

The back-and-forth continues, and it isn’t going to end well, no matter what “Honey” says. 

Ben said that he’s been in these arguments or these conversations and when his opinion is negative, he’ll say, “Well, it's a negative opinion, do you still want to hear it?” The other person will usually stop and consider their options. If they are looking for genuine feedback, they’ll take it, if they seek only validation of their position, they’ll say no thanks. Here’s the guidance: Never ask a question if there’s only one answer you will accept. Only ask if you are willing to accept whatever answer they give. If someone uses their question and your answer as foreplay to a debate, you both lose.  

Lynn’s strategy when someone asks for her opinion is to ask them, “Why do you want my opinion?” She is wary of stepping into a landmine and would rather decline to answer if it might create problems in their relationship. Someone’s resistance to receiving honest feedback is based on attitudes derived from their beliefs, such as negativity or distrust in a relationship. It comes out of fear-based energy. 

Own Your Behavior 

We’ve talked before about making someone else the scapegoat for our feelings – the defense that, “You made me feel bad” – and refusing to take responsibility for your own behavior. Recognize that others cannot take away our power – we give it to them. If you give away your power, you give up your ability to change. When someone accepts the reality that what they think, feel, and do is the result of their beliefs, and not an external force, they exercise loving energy and will not permit someone else to become a scapegoat.  

That’s ok for you but I would never do it. 

To truly empower yourself, change your belief about power – your personal agency – and act on your own behalf. Codependence is a characteristic of this and all these behaviors stem from fear and love, and the emotions that come out of those. Let no one control your core autonomy – there are different avenues to accepting that truth but it’s not simple or a shortcut – or a trick you can perform.  

Make a conscious decision to believe in something, and you don’t need a scapegoat, because you know it is your choice. If you are unhappy, for example, work to understand why and decide if you want to change. Choose a set of behaviors that support your wishes. We believe it is fundamentally true that no one else controls your core, your autonomy, your “self” and when you embrace that belief, you will be able to break out of the harmful cycles of behavior. The decisions you make create a new normal for your life over time and blaming others for things that happen will seem foreign to you.  

Here's a way to test it out – think about a time when you made a choice to act badly because no one was there to witness what you did. This is the inverse of the adage, “Do the right thing even when no one is looking.” If you are honest with yourself, you’ll consider the obstacles in the way of doing the right thing. We all have moments when our will to do good breaks, when we fail the challenge, or take the easy road. If someone says, “I always do the right thing, because if I don’t, I feel guilty, so I overcome all obstacles.” Well, that isn’t being honest. The person has made a decision to avoid going deeper into the discussion, and not face the reality that humans sometimes fail.  

Tie Into Fear and Love 

There are many things a person may fear. A common example is the fear of being wrong – because when we take responsibility for our actions (and avoid scapegoating) – we come to the realization that others will reject us. If our behavior upsets someone, we think it’s because we have the power to make them mad, and we don’t want to do that. The fear could be rooted in the belief that if I take responsibility for my actions, then I need to change, and that seems too hard for me.  

The specific type of fear you identify for a certain situation rests on the concept of fearful energy – and how it affects our thoughts and actions. If, in the moment, you feel in control of your feelings, you will still experience the fight or flight adrenaline surge. Ben said that most of the time, the threat is imagined or perceived, but still feels real because it is rooted in negative beliefs that reinforce the fear energy.  

There are some examples in addition the ones we listed above, such as a belief that, “I’m already perfect, so if I change anything, I’ll be less so.” You might believe that personal growth only comes through painful experiences because of your upbringing. These beliefs fuel the fear energy that there is a perceived harm in some situation, and it blocks you from embracing the love energy. 

There are many facets of this principle, but they all point back to fear. If you want to talk more about it, please reach out to us.