When we ask people what one of their biggest problems at work is, it doesn’t take long before “dealing with a problem coworker” comes up. Almost every time, the reason people have problems with coworkers is because their coworkers don’t treat them the way they want to be treated. 

Many times, these problems with coworkers share a common element. They don’t know or aren’t clear about what we expect from them. Without clear boundaries, people don’t know how to treat us and often treat us in ways we don’t like or want. 

While establishing clear boundaries may cause a temporary increase in tension, once they are in place, relationships will improve. People appreciate when we have clear boundaries because it lays a foundation for how to interact with us and acts as a platform to create healthy relationships. 

Strong and clear boundaries create a space for people to engage with us in an effective, loving manner. 

Strong and clear boundaries create a space for people to engage with us in an effective, loving manner. They also keep us safe from those who don’t choose to honor them. Because we choose what to allow and what to not allow, we take back control for what happens to us in relationships. 

This may seem easier said than done. You may be thinking about the damage or tension really asserting yourself might cause. You might be thinking it’s not worth the effort or the cost. That’s normal. All too often, our fear of hurting others or being seen as mean gets in the way of teaching people how to treat us.  

The reality is that it is a greater unkindness to keep people guessing about what we want and need. Relationships built on healthy boundaries are the ones that are filled with trust and mutual happiness. 

What are healthy boundaries? 

Healthy boundaries are limits and agreements people make with each other that help create positive, healthy relationships. The best boundaries create a space for two people to connect and communicate effectively. The goal of creating healthy boundaries is to create positive relationships built on trust. 

These types of relationships are impossible without effective boundaries. As Dr. Chad A. Buck from Vanderbilt University writes, “Effective Boundaries set the stage for positive relationships (1).”  

A relationship built on healthy boundaries is filled with trust, happiness, and mutual support. By contrast, unhealthy boundaries can shut down relationships or create hostility. Unhealthy relationships are created when boundaries are confusing, contradictory, absent, or when they seek to control or blame others. 

The best boundaries are built on your rights to assert your boundaries and needs. Take time to learn and understand these tenets of assertive communication. They form the foundation of creating healthy and effective boundaries with others. 

Your Assertive Rights 

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviors, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. 
2. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior. 
3. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems. 
4. You have the right to change your mind. 
5. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. 
6. You have the right to say, “I don’t know.” 
7. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. 
8. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions. 
9. You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.” 
10. You have the right to say, “I don’t care.” 
11. You have the right to say, “no.” 
12. You have the right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. 
13. You have the right to take the time you need to respond. 
14. You have the right to disagree with others regardless of their position or numbers. 
15. You have the right to feel all of your emotions (including anger) and express them appropriately. 
16. You have the right to ask questions. 
17. You have the right to be treated with respect. 
18. You have the right to ask for what you want. 
19. You have the right to feel good about yourself, your actions, and your life. 
20. You have the right to exercise any and all of these rights, without feeling guilty. 

Adapted from “Your Bill of Assertive Rights” by the Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky & Southwest Ohio (2). 

Why should I set boundaries at work? 

We know that healthy boundaries create the foundation for healthy relationships. They also lead to a better overall work experience. Without effective boundaries, your stress levels increase and your ability to be open and relaxed at work decreases because you’re spending a lot of your energy guarding against negative relationships.  

When we don’t know what to expect, we begin to fear the possible damage or negative outcomes that might occur and start acting to prevent those perceived or imagined issues. Not only does this use a ton of energy, it also leads to stonewalling, defensiveness, judgments, or assumptions about the other person and their motives. This only leads to further relationship breakdowns which creates a downward spiral into more negative relationships. 

Negative relationships have a profound effect on your experience at work. The Management Study Guide’s article on the effects of poor employee relationships lists many negative effects at work including not enjoying your job, not being able to be innovative and effective at your job, and not even wanting to keep your job (3)! 

Without effective boundaries, your stress levels increase and your ability to be open and relaxed at work decreases. 

That makes sense, intuitively. When we don’t feel supported and valued by the people around us, we tend to leave to find “better” people. In reality, all businesses are just big groups of people. And you will find the same negative relationships waiting for you at the next place if your boundaries remain unhealthy or non-existent. 

Your ability to set healthy boundaries is personal to you, and you have to take yourself wherever you go. You won’t be able to get away from your own poor boundaries no matter how many times you change environments. 

How to set boundaries with coworkers at work 

The main goal of creating healthy boundaries is to pave the way for better relationships. With that in mind, focus your efforts on creating boundaries that teach others how to treat you. Consider this question: how can other people act towards you that will create a positive response from you? Helping people answer that question will point you in the direction of effective boundaries. 

When I create boundaries with my team, I keep in mind that I make decisions quickly and value highly social and collaborative processes. So I teach my team to include me in the thinking process and to add extra time for conversation and brainstorming. 

I also know I don’t like receiving information halfway through a project if that information could have been known earlier. So I tell people on teams I work with that it’s important to me to assess as much of the playing field as possible up front, before we start working on solutions. 

You may have noticed in that example that my boundaries are all framed in the spirit of what to do when relating to me. As you work on creating your boundaries, avoid creating boundaries that focus on what people shouldn’t do. 

Though we often create boundaries after we experience being treated in a manner we didn’t like, telling people what not to do still leaves them guessing about how to relate to you. So the most effective boundaries focus on what you want from your coworkers, not what you don’t want. 

Take time by yourself to write down a list of “how to relate to me” pointers. What sort of things do you appreciate hearing from others? What sorts of things do you need to be assured of when dealing with conflict? How do you want information presented to you? These, and similar questions, will give you a good starting point to creating effective boundaries. 

You don’t need to create a boundary for every little possible interaction. Avoid the common trap of trying to write a manual of how to relate to you. Long and cumbersome lists of rules place the focus of interacting with you on compliance and can come across as controlling and abrasive. 

Instead, focus on a shorter and broader list of guidelines. The goal is to create an environment of engagement and interaction. You can always change your list and refine it as you go. Keep focused on the top 3-5 things that will help people create a better relationship with you. 

What do you say when setting boundaries? 

The most important thing about setting boundaries is to keep them focused on what you want and what you need. Keep your boundaries phrased as statements about you. Start them with phrases like “I need…” 

Avoid talking about what other people are doing or have done, even if you’re creating a boundary in response to someone else’s actions that have caused issues or frustration. 

For example, “I need you to ask for permission before borrowing my stapler” is less effective than “I need clear communication before my things are borrowed.” 

Whenever you add someone else into your boundaries, you may be setting the stage for a power struggle. When you keep your statements all about you, other people have no place to feel attacked. 

Finally, after telling people what you need, add a request to your boundary that others can respond to. This helps them know exactly what you expect and what will improve the relationship with you. 

For example, “I need time to process questions before I give an answer (the need). Please ask me questions without expecting an immediate response (the request).” 

How do you set boundaries without being mean? 

It’s unkind to be unclear. Leaving people guessing causes more confusion, frustration, and defensiveness. 

Because having better relationships is the goal of creating healthy boundaries, it’s natural to worry about doing so in a way that will accidentally damage those relationships instead. You might think that people will resent your boundaries or feel like you’re attacking them personally. You might worry that people won’t like you or will find you too hard to deal with. 

What you probably haven’t considered is the effect not setting healthy boundaries is having. Without clear boundaries, you may be resentful towards your coworkers for mistreating you. You might be angry with them or feel like its easier to avoid them. Dealing with conflict becomes a nightmare because every point you bring up is countered with their point of view or opinion. And they don’t have any guidelines from you to go by, so they can’t meet your expectations. 

It’s unkind to be unclear. Leaving people guessing causes more confusion, frustration, and defensiveness. 

By not being clear with your boundaries, you are actually creating the exact negative workplace you want to avoid. That negativity is easily perceived as being rude, mean, or hostile! 

Brené Brown deals with this topic in her book Dare to Lead. She summarizes this point in an article adapted from that book, where she writes, “Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind (4).” 

The kindest thing you can do for your colleagues is to be clear about your boundaries up front. Also, take time to talk with people and make sure they understand exactly what your boundaries mean. Answer their questions, restate things in a way they can understand better. This will convey to them that you care about the relationship and want it to be a positive one. 

Expecting people to treat you the way you want to be treated without telling them how is like crossing a busy street in all black clothes at night. The chances you’re going to get run over go way up! 

If you’re still not sure if setting boundaries is doing a kindness to others, think of the golden rule: Treat others like you’d want to be treated. I think of it like this: I know I don’t like being yelled at for crossing boundaries I didn’t know existed. I also know I feel confused when someone is hurt by my actions and I don’t understand why. I know I get defensive when I feel blamed or attacked for doing my best to relate well with others. I bet you feel like this, too! And… so do the people you work with. 

How do you set a boundary with someone who ignores you? 

Whenever you set a boundary, decide ahead of time how you will respond if it is crossed, ignored, or attacked. By making these decisions when you’re not in the heat of the moment, you’ll avoid responding from your emotions and getting sucked into a power struggle that only makes things worse. 

If you wait to react to these situations, your anger about being ignored and your fear that you won’t be valued will drive your decisions. This can lead to you responding in an overly defensive manner or one where you’re looking to be offended. This only creates a negative perception of you. You’ll come across as prickly and unapproachable, which leads to even further relationship breakdown. 

Though it may be difficult to understand in the moment, resistance to your boundaries arise from other people’s fear of some perceived or imagined outcome that is created by them. This often occurs where relationships are already broken or filled with negativity.  

Most people don’t like shifting their behavior, especially when they think they’re in the right. They may be afraid of what these new boundaries mean for them. They may already be in a power struggle with you. They may think that these new boundaries are aimed at making them the “loser.” Their fear about these imagined negative outcomes often manifests as resistance to, defiance of, or being offended by your boundaries. 

You have the right to hold to your boundaries and reinforce them when challenged. But meeting these fear-based responses with confrontation or anger is a surefire way to make sure others don’t accept your boundaries and remain in negative power struggles longer. 

The best response is one that understands that your boundaries may cause discomfort or an emotional backlash from others. Meet others’ concerns (whether valid or not) with empathy. Seek to understand where their resistance comes from. When possible, allow an adjustment period for others to get used to your new boundaries. Give grace to those who cross your boundaries and take the time to acknowledge others’ good-faith attempts to honor them. 

References 

1.”Establishing Effective Personal Boundaries,” Dr. Chad A. Buck, https://www.vumc.org/health-wellness/news-resource-articles/establishing-effective-personal-boundaries 

2. “Your Bill of Assertive Rights,” Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky & Southwest Ohio, https://www.mhankyswoh.org/Uploads/files/pdfs/Assertiveness-AssertiveRights_20130813.pdf 

3. “After Effects of Poor Employee Relationship Management,” Prachi Juneja, https://www.managementstudyguide.com/effects-of-poor-employee-relationship-management.htm 

4. “Clear is Kind. Unclear is Unkind,” Brené Brown, https://brenebrown.com/blog/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind