The art of influencing others can’t be learned through reading or strategy tips alone. It must be lived, experienced, and refined in your daily activities. The path to becoming a person of influence connects to many other areas of life as well. You’ll need to invest time and energy in developing your core character. Because, ultimately, your character creates the person others will interact with. No matter how well-developed your influence skills are, they can only enhance who you are inside. 

How do I get better at influence? 

In his book “There’s No Such Thing as Business Ethics,” leadership expert John Maxwell talks about three ways you can build yourself up as an influential person: (1) Treat people better than they treat you, (2) Help people who can’t help you, and (3) Keep your promises even when it hurts (1). 

Here are eight habits you can develop and practice that will help put those three guidelines into practice. 

1.  Get Curious About Others 

One of the most genuine and powerful ways to become a positive influence in someone’s life is to show them you care about them. The best way to do that is to get genuinely curious about what they’re up to, how they’re feeling, and what they’re thinking. To use the words of Dale Carnegie, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you (2).” 

When I think of having a curious mindset, I think of the way I greet my daughters when they get home from school. Of course, there’s the standard “how was your day?” and “what did you do today?” questions. But I also ask them about the parts of their day that are important to them. “What was the best part about recess today?” “What was for lunch?” “How did you get along with your friends today?” 

Just those simple questions shift the conversation from fact finding about what happened and place the focus on how their experience of their day was. Sometimes, they give a quick answer and move on from the conversation. Some days they don’t want to answer at all.  

Forgiveness removes resentment and clears the way for relationships to heal and rebuild.

Then there are those days where their face just lights up. These are the days where curiosity pays off. They tell me about a conversation they had with someone, or how fun a game of tag was on the playground. Sometimes they go further to tell me all about the different parts of their day…even things I didn’t ask about! That sense of openness and the true happiness they experience reliving those moments builds a bond between us.  

It’s even more meaningful on the days where their face darkens and they talk about how bad their day was. The days they need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to just scream out their frustrations to. 

Long after these moments are gone, they likely won’t remember what we talked about. They almost certainly won’t remember what I asked, or what I said in response to their sharing. But they will remember that I was there. That I cared. That I wanted to get to know them more. They’ll remember how that conversation felt. And that feeling of closeness builds a stronger relationship between us. That’s the power of the art of influence. 

2.  Practice Forgiveness 

Think of the people you tend to want to stay near. They’re probably not the people who hold judgements, grudges, or negative beliefs about you. While it’s true that we all form judgements and sometimes view others in a negative light, positive influencers recognize these judgements are not the truth. 

Forgiveness is the act through which we release people from our past experiences of them. Many people make the mistake of thinking forgiveness somehow means absolving people of their responsibility or accountability for their past actions. In reality, the act of forgiveness absolves us of our emotional attachments to the actions of others. Forgiveness removes resentment and clears the way for relationships to heal and rebuild. 

Choosing to hold on to resentment of others is like drinking poison day after day and expecting the other person to die from it! Think that’s a bit dramatic? Holding grudges can have a real, negative impact on your health. The Mayo Clinic lists negative effects of being unable to forgive on its website. They say, “If you’re unforgiving, you might: 

• Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience 
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present 
• Become depressed or anxious 

• Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs 
• Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others (3)” 

Great influencers know the key to forgiveness is to keep their ledger short. Your ledger has two columns: people you’ve wronged, and people who’ve wronged you.  

To keep the first column short, apologize and take action to make amends to those you’ve wronged (whether it was intentional or not). Clean the relationship, spend extra time, and do something specific and concrete that heals any tears between you. 

To keep the second column short, forgive often. Whether or not they’ve apologized. Whether or not they are aware of what they’ve done. They don’t need to reform for you to release your resentment towards them. Forgiveness frees your energy and your spirit, regardless of what they do (or don’t do).  

3.  Commit Yourself to Confidentiality 

How many times has someone asked you the “Keep this to yourself?” That phrase reveals a fundamental truth about what people expect. We don’t believe people will keep things confidential. In fact, we expect people to share what we tell them. You may not like that statement. You might think, “I don’t blab!” But the truth is: people think you will. If people honestly thought you’d keep their conversations confidential, there’d be no reason for them to ask you to keep any specific piece that way.  

Now, think about people you place your trust in as mentors or role models. Chances are, they do keep your conversations confidential. And you do expect them to. It just goes without saying! This is the person you need to be if you want to be influential in other people’s lives. 

My teaching partner, Lynn Nauth, has spent her career in confidential roles. She’s led social service companies dealing with people’s most sensitive data and most intimate (and embarrassing) moments. Because of this, people have come to regard her as a safe source to confide things in, and not a single one of them ever asks her to keep it confidential. They know it’s her character by default. 

4.  Avoid Gossip 

Think of a time you became aware that you were the subject of gossip. Did it bring you closer to the gossiper? Probably not. Gossip, even the type that seems harmless or in good fun, always weakens relationships. Sometimes it destroys them. Nobody wants to be the subject of gossip. In fact, the only one who benefits from gossip is the gossiper. 

This is so widely understood, at a basic level, that you can find tons of articles on the internet about gossip alone. Here’s an excerpt from characterlives.org which sums it up well: “Consider the motives for gossip—jealousy, acceptance, gaining power. They almost always focus on lifting ourselves up by pushing others down (4).” 

Gossip, broadly, is the act of talking about things that aren’t yours to talk about. But many people don’t really understand exactly how much is not ours to discuss. Here are three questions you can use to determine if you’re gossiping or not. 

1. Are you sharing someone else’s information without their permission? This type of gossip is the easiest to spot. If you weren’t involved… if it’s someone else’s story… if it’s someone else’s news… let them decide to share it or not. If you really believe it would be best to share this type of information, seek permission first. 
2.  Are you trying to solve a problem you’re unequipped or unqualified to address? How many times have you seen people discussing a world problem on social media with no relevant experience, knowledge, or authority to actually solve it? This is a harder form of gossip to spot because it doesn’t fit our standard perception on what gossip is. But it is gossip. Just like the first question, all the discussion surrounding this problem doesn’t get any closer to a solution. So the only possible outcome is more emotions and arguments over who’s “right.” These types of discussions never result in gaining or building influence. 
3. Are you complaining about a person or a problem to other peers who can’t solve your complaint? If you have an issue, there’s only two people who have any ability to help you resolve it: the person you have the issue with, or a person who has authority over the situation. Any other complaint only results in smearing others’ reputation or building negativity into a system. 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are actually sabotaging your positive relationships and influence with people. This will destroy your ability to relate well to others faster than you can build it. Every time. 

5.  Avoid Drama 

My daughters love to watch youtubers. Specifically, they love watching families who do dramatic “reality” style video blogs. The problem is: they then try to emulate the behavior they see in the videos in our family life. As you might have guessed, this overdramatization is high on emotion and spectacle and low on empathy and results. The end product: tension, conflict, and relationship breakdowns. 

The problem my daughters face is: good drama requires conflict. Without conflict, there’s no compelling story. People who are dramatic in their everyday lives are living for conflict and relationship tension, whether they realize it or not. They often find themselves acting out of one of the following dramatic traps. 

1. Dramatic people are looking to be offended. The quickest way to introduce tension is to find things to take personally or be offended by. These interactions either end up with one side apologizing and trying to make amends for the imagined slight, or both sides digging in and engaging in a power struggle about who was right. 
2. Dramatic people jump to conclusions. This is one my oldest daughter frequently employs to add drama. She will cut me off halfway through my thought, make an assumption about the back half of the thought, and then get upset about what her assumption was. For example, “You can’t have a sandwich for dinner because-“ might get cut off by her. She might then shout, “You never make what I want to eat! I’m not eating whatever you’re making!” The problem: I was going to tell her we were going to her favorite restaurant for dinner. Jumping to conclusions introduces conflict where none might exist. 
3. Dramatic people make up stories. This often happens right after dramatic people are done jumping to a conclusion. Once they’ve decided a certain thing is so, they’ll then make up all sorts of reasons and stories about why that is the case. This can also happen when people lack information. Our brains are organized in a logical fashion when trying to make sense of incoming data. We’re wired to look for patterns. When we can’t find a pattern, we’ll insert one. In effect, creating a story about how different points of information are related. Often, these information gaps are filled in by irrelevant past experiences. The end result is irrelevant conclusions that we then decide are true and real and, you guessed it, this leads to fights. Because the story is incorrect. 
4. Dramatic people assign the worst possible intention to others. It’s often been said that we judge others based on their results and ourselves based on our intentions. If we mess up but were trying to do good, we give ourselves a pass. If others mess up, we assume they weren’t trying very hard or, worse than that, they were trying to cause a problem. Dramatic people default to this state. People who study and develop the art of influence assign the same noble intentions to others that they recognize in themselves. 

People who are dramatic in their everyday lives are living for conflict and relationship tension, whether they realize it or not. 

6.  Build Connections with Others 

Take a moment to write down the five people who have the most influence in your life. They might be parents, teachers, mentors, close friends, etc. No matter who is in your top 5, they have at least one thing in common. They all have a strong personal connection to you. 

To really master the art of influence, you need to understand how to build powerful connections with people you want to be an influence for. John Maxwell teaches that this happens when “[c]onnectors connect on common ground (5).” 

This may not mean what you think it means. Common ground is not the same thing as middle ground. Remember: you are trying to build a connection to them. They have no obligation, and perhaps not even motivation, to build a connection with you. So, if you want to find common ground with them, you’ll need to go much farther towards them than they come towards you. 

To find common ground, look for places you already overlap interests, backgrounds, values, beliefs, culture, or favorite things. It only takes one (and it doesn’t have to be a big one) to build on. Any commonality will work. 

Being easy to understand makes getting along that much simpler. 

If you’re having trouble finding commonality, look for things they value that you could adapt yourself to value or an experience you can share that is new to both of you. Food, movies, sports, and other entertainment venues are great for this. Nothing creates a connection faster than a memorable shared moment.  

7.  Set Boundaries and Expectations 

We teach people how to treat us. What’s more, we can teach others how to be treated well by our ability to maintain healthy relationship boundaries. 

It may seem counterintuitive but being assertive about what you will and will not allow in your relationships creates trust and helps put people at ease when relating to you. Because they know what to expect, they can adjust their approach to have the best interactions possible. We all just want to get along better with the people around us. Being easy to understand makes getting along that much simpler. 

One way you can help people understand you better is to write the “how to” guide for relating to you. Jot down a half-page of things you appreciate hearing from others, the way you’d like information presented to you, phrases that are likely to cause conflict with you, etc.  

This isn’t a laundry list of every possible example, nor is it a “gotcha” list aimed at showing other people why they’re wrong. It’s not a list to show or give to other people at all. This short list serves as a guide for you to refer to when under stress. It will help you remember what you need to ask for in your daily interactions and relationships. 

8.  Express Yourself Clearly 

One of the quickest ways to introduce frustration into a conversation is to be unclear. Usually this happens through indirect answers, speaking before you know what you’re going to say, or trying to avoid hurting people. However it comes out, lack of clarity is sure to destroy your influence. Fast. 

Being clear is not as easy as “say what you mean,” though. All too often our emotions, state of mind, and pre-expectations cloud how we hear each other in a conversation. So making sure you’re clearly understood can take a few steps. 

1. Think before you speak. It’s so easy to lead with whatever response pops into your head first. Often, this is the response based on reaction to what someone else has said/done or your emotions. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone’s emotional snap-back, you know how poorly these types of responses can be received. It’s actually OK, and helpful, to tell someone “I’m emotional right now. Give me a minute.” (You can replace “I’m emotional” with the emotion you’re actually feeling). Think through your response and make sure it captures how you want to be in the conversation. If you’re in doubt, ask yourself: does what I’m about to say represent the truth of what I’m trying to convey? 
2. Watch how what you say is received. When we’re in the heat of the moment, we often forget that other people aren’t privy to the other thoughts, feelings, and history that colors the way we shape our messaging. Train yourself to have your mental radar up for the effect your messaging has on the receiver. Is it met with defensiveness or resistance? Is the response not in line with what you said? Is the conversation getting sidetracked? These are all hints that might indicate your message was not conveyed as clearly as you thought. 
3. Rephrase, repeat, and reset. If you suspect your message didn’t come across clearly, rephrase it to try and connect better with the person you’re talking to. It can be helpful to simply state that you think you were misheard. Repeat yourself and rephrase yourself as often as necessary, even if it feels like you’re going in circles. If you get stuck in an endless spin cycle, ask permission to reset this point of the conversation and try again. 

Often, when I’m talking with my team, I’ll ask a question that doesn’t get an answer that helps. For example: I might ask my team for their best thoughts in developing a new initiative. Instead of giving me their best thoughts on the initiative I’m talking about, they might give me ideas for new initiatives for us to consider. 

I’ve come to like the phrase “Let me ask a better question.” It shows that I’m owning my question wasn’t clear enough to generate the conversation I expected and gives me room to reset that point and try again. Sometimes, I have to ask my question three, four, or five different ways. But the payoff when my team goes, “Oh! Now we get it!” is worth the effort. Because the results they produce once they clearly understand the topic are extraordinary. 

Influence grows over time 

Becoming a person of influence with the people in your life takes time. It’s easy to become impatient with the process of creating the type of strong relationship required for influence to prosper. One where others feel comfortable with and trust you enough to take advice or ask for guidance from you. But if you focus on the 8 steps detailed above, you’ll begin building trusting, influential relationships with those around you. 

References 

1. John Maxwell, “There’s No Such Thing as Business Ethics: There’s Only One Rule for Making Decisions,” https://www.amazon.com/Theres-Such-Thing-Business-Ethics/dp/0446532290 
2.  Dale Carnegie, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034 
3.  Mayo Clinic, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness,” https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 
4. 4. Character Lives, “5 reasons to avoid gossip and the people who spread it,” https://www.characterlives.org/5-reasons-to-avoid-gossip-and-the-people-who-spread-it/ 
5. John Maxwell, “Connectors Connect on Common Ground,” https://www.johnmaxwell.com/blog/connectors-connect-on-common-ground/