Is it possible to stop gossiping?

Yes. Learning the difference between gossip and effective feedback is essential. Once you (and your team) understand how to deliver and receive feedback directly, the desire to use gossip to express feelings will fade away.

Gaining the ability to move from gossiping to feedback happens in three stages. First, you’ll need to raise your awareness about what gossip is and learn to identify when you are gossiping. Second, you’ll need to learn more effective ways of having your feelings heard and providing feedback in a way that can make a difference. Third, you’ll need a common agreement with your team to establish a gossip-free workplace.

What is gossip?

If you look up the word “gossip” on dictionary.com, you’ll find useful definitions in items 1, 2, and 6:

1. Idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars

2. Light, familiar talk or writing

6. To talk idly, especially about the affairs of others; go about tattling (1).

These give a general idea, but aren’t comprehensive enough to understand what gossip is.

At its core, gossip is a form of communication that spreads information or opinions. Specifically, it spreads in such a way that it can’t be addressed directly. Whether intended or not, the end result of gossip is increased drama, hurt feelings, and relationship tension. Here’s an excerpt from characterlives.org which sums it up well: “Consider the motives for gossip—jealousy, acceptance, gaining power. They almost always focus on lifting ourselves up by pushing others down (2).”

How do I know if I’m gossiping?

There are three types of gossip. Being able to identify if your conversation lands within one of these three categories will help you make real-time corrections to your communication. Determining which category your conversation falls into can further help you repair any relationship damage done during the conversation.

1.     Sharing information without permission

This might seem more obvious at first glance than it is. If you weren’t involved - if it’s someone else’s story or someone else’s news - then let them decide whether to share it or not. A common example of this that families often cross the line on (though with good intentions) is pregnancy. The arrival of a new baby can be one of the most exciting times in a person’s life, and we all like to share in that excitement. But… if you’re not the pregnant person, it’s not your news to share (unless you have permission).

I recently had to clean an informational gossip situation in my family. Our family caught COVID right as the school year was starting (we’re all fine now). My middlest daughter had just had her first day of kindergarten. Then she missed out on those early “welcome to school moments” while on quarantine.

We’d also been planning a trip for our kids to visit their grandma. We let grandma know the kids wouldn’t be coming because of our covid quarantine. In a (well-intentioned) show of support, grandma posted to Facebook how upsetting it must be for our middlest daughter to be missing school because she had covid.

We don’t like sharing those types of details on social media, and certainly did not give grandma permission to do so. Thankfully, as soon as we asked her to remove the post she did (and apologized). So little harm was done… other than my protective parent instinct flaring up.

I’m sure you can imagine an alternate ending to this story where grandma might have felt shamed for her mistake, defended her decision, refused to take the post down, and caused a large amount of drama. Though that wasn’t how the story played out, in other situations it might very well have! And this can happen even with good intentions.

2.     Consulting with others about a problem none of you can solve

Here’s a common example of this form of gossip at play: Facebook. How many times do we see people on Facebook talking about world events, governmental decisions, or problems in other cities with no relevant experience, knowledge, or authority, to make any impact on those issues?

This isn’t just a social media effect. We’ve all witnessed employees at work talking about what’s wrong with the company and trying to figure out what would make it better. Maybe they even come up with a good idea or two. But they don’t have any ability to implement those solutions. They might say, “if I were in charge, I’d…” But they’re not. And so the problem remains unsolved.

The end result of this conversation is: those involved in the conversation are more upset that the problem is there. They might fight over who’s imagined solution is the “right” one. Nothing changes. Resentment creeps in. That leads to more of the same or the third type of gossip.

3.     Complaining about a person, people, or problem(s) to others who can’t solve the issue

This might be easiest type of gossip to identify. You probably understand this one well already. We’ve all had someone come up to us and tell us about the awful things another person has done and how much they don’t like it. That’s the third form of gossip. We stir up drama anytime we raise issues or complaints with people who have no ability to address them. Perhaps worse than that, our complaint is no closer to getting solved.

If you have an issue or a problem, there’re only two people who have the ability to help you resolve it. The first is the person you have an issue with. The second is a person who has authority over the situation or person you have issues with.

Talking about these issues with any other people only adds more negativity into the equation. You’ll still be upset that the situation isn’t resolved. The people who can solve it will be denied the chance to help. The reputation of the people involved will be damaged. And your relationships with those people will be severely damaged or possibly destroyed.

Gossip-free communication

Once you’ve identified that you’re part of a gossip conversation, you can take steps to address the gossip in a healthy and effective way. I should point out that this is true whether you were the gossiper or a “sympathetic ear” listening to the gossip. Either way, you’re part of the gossip and bear part of the responsibility for correcting it.

The difference between harmful gossip and effective feedback is who you’re talking to. Business and Financial coach Dave Ramsey has a great ground rule for handling gossip, “Negatives go up; positives come down (3).” This ground rule prevents most gossip because complaints go where they are supposed to: to a leader or supervisor. Conversely, positive feedback should come down from the same leader or supervisor.

In the workplace, this means that complaints or problems and possible solutions can only be addressed by passing them up the leadership chain to someone who has the capability of solving them. The only exception to this might be a complaint about a peer. In that case, going directly to them can potentially solve the issue. In many cases, you might not be comfortable addressing a peer directly. When that happens, send the gossip up to a leader who can help resolve the situation.

When you bring these situations up to people with the ability to change or solve them, you’ve left the land of gossip and entered into the realm of effective feedback.

Feedback is neutral information

Effective feedback is information that is presented in a neutral manner. “You suck” is not feedback. Feedback about someone’s behavior would sound like this: “I don’t like the way you treat me.”

When you’re providing feedback, you’re responsible for delivering it without an emotional charge. You are not responsible for how that feedback is received (if delivered neutrally). There is an exception to this principle. It’s better to say what’s on your mind, even if you can’t be neutral about it than to keep it inside. This assumes you’re following the ground rule of “negatives go up.”

Create a feedback rich environment

Let’s get real for a moment. Many workplaces are not feedback friendly. There is a huge perception in many corporate cultures that it’s “us vs. them.” Employees vs. management. Direct supervisors vs. department heads. Factory teams vs. vice presidents at the corporate office. You can probably think of other examples from your own experience.

This is one of the main drivers of workplace gossip. Perhaps it’s not safe to pass the negatives up. If you speak up, you’re the one that might get fired.

If you’re an employee, you can start to create a feedback rich environment by seeking agreement with others in your team to present your issues to your supervisor as a unit.

If you’re a leader, manager, or supervisor, you can create this environment by working on yourself first. Be humble enough to admit you might not have all the information, you might not know all the problems, and you might be wrong. Choose to view complaints from those beneath you in position as opportunities for improvement and growth.

Encourage feedback, complaints, and suggestions. Embrace your role as an agent for improvement for your team. Even if your team is heated or upset when they’re talking to you, try to remove those emotions from how you receive the information.

When people on the team feel safe to raise issues up, gossip will fade. Better still: you’ll be able to start addressing those issues that keep your team from performing at their highest level.

How to stop gossiping

At the beginning of this article, I mentioned the three stages of transitioning from gossip to effective feedback. Everything you need to begin working through these stages is in this article as well. The sections on “What is gossip” and “How do I know if I’m gossiping” help raise your awareness about gossip (the first stage). The sections on “Gossip-free communication” and “Effective feedback” set the foundation for the second stage: finding a more effective way to communicate your feelings and feedback. The last section, “Create a feedback rich environment” lays out some steps you can take to improve communication amongst your team (the third stage). By working to incorporate these steps into your daily routine, you’ll help create a more enjoyable and productive workplace with less stress and resentment between people.

 

References

1. Dictionary.com, “gossip”, https://www.dictionary.com/browse/gossip
2. Character Lives, “5 reasons to avoid gossip and the people who spread it,” https://www.characterlives.org/5-reasons-to-avoid-gossip-and-the-people-who-spread-it/
3. Ramsey Solutions, “Gossip is Poison to Your Team”, https://www.ramseysolutions.com/business/gossip-is-poison-to-your-team