What are the Core Principles of Assertiveness?

Our whole objective in this series is to connect with people who have a limited view of these principles and provide specific techniques to use while building up their knowledge and use of the principles.

These are the three core principles supported by all the tenets of assertiveness:

Ø Living free from judgment,

Ø Taking personal responsibility and ownership, and

Ø Respecting other peoples’ ability to be themselves.

The assertive mindset is a neutral mindset. When people understand that they don’t always have to win – we can negotiate but if no agreement is reached – each party must decide what to do next. If you and your spouse are tired at the end of a long day, things can quickly go off course. Instead of talking about something important at that time, when more tired-talking will just make things worse, agree to postpone the discussion until rest and mental recovery allows you both to speak assertively and not judgmentally or defensively. Self-awareness helps build principle-level awareness.

You Have the Right to Say I Don’t Know

Have you ever told someone that you don’t know the answer to their question? What happens next is probably one of the following: They don’t believe you or they think you are lying or they suspect you have an underlying motive. Rather than accepting your right to be noncommittal, they react by judging your statement. Later in this series, we’ll visit two other tenets which are directly related to this one – I don’t understand and I don’t care – all three are very important. Using them whether you ever intend to know, understand, or care are key principles of the assertive mindset.

There is, however, a shadow side to each of these principles; that is, I may know or understand or care, but I may not want to talk about it. In our mentoring practice if someone says, “I don’t know why I did that.” We will respond, “Yeah, you do.” They likely do not want to dig deeper to understand why and that’s okay, or they don’t want to talk about it but lack the assertiveness to say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Depending on the person and the topic, we may decide to revisit the situation later and encourage them to talk about it, helping to resolve an issue or a situation. They may never be ready to talk about it but at least they will know our position on it.

In our coaching intake sessions, we remind our clients that they are literally hiring us to challenge them, so they should expect us to do our best to help them uncover preconceived notions, find better questions and help them work through the problems. Ben says, “You have given me permission in this relationship to challenge you and so I will; my job is to keep pushing. Your job is to tell me that you don’t want me to push a certain point, then I will always back off.” This pre-notification is intended to establish an open dialogue between us so that you can feel free to tell me the truth, even if you tell me that you’re not comfortable talking about it yet.

Building Trust

Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness build trust. But if you really don’t know, you have the right to say so. Do you remember this scene from The Sandlot (1993) a movie depicting a boys’ baseball team in 1962 that goes something like this:

One of the kids mentions Babe Ruth. Another kid asks, “Who?” Stares of disbelief appear on all the boys’ faces and one of them says, “You don’t know Babe Ruth? The Great Bambino?” “Oh, the Great Bambino! Ohhhhh, yeahhhhhh, I thought you said Bambi.”

So, he avoided further chastisement by his friends and gets away with the deception. You can’t blame a little kid for not wanting to say, “I don’t know.”

Lynn has coached people who are uncomfortable with saying “I don’t know” by showing them how to be more assertive. She has sample scripts that they can use until they are more comfortable with their own words. Sometimes you need time to think about something before you answer a question so you can tell them, “I’ll get back to you. I really don’t have an answer right now (or I’m not ready to give you an answer).” This response is heard as genuine and is usually acceptable to others, especially if they already know you. One example is when two co-workers are interviewing someone for a role at the company. Following the interview, they share feedback with each other, but it may be helpful to take time to reflect on the meeting. Using a phrase like this may be useful to convey your desire to think on it: “Here is my gut reaction, but I want to process this interaction.”

Take Time to Consider a Response

Any judgment or reaction that someone has is theirs (not yours) and you do not need to feel pressured into an immediate response. Giving someone an answer based on emotions may result in damage to the relationship, even if you “take it back” later, the damage is done. If you know the person well enough to know they will have an emotional response, you may not feel ready to deal with it, so you could delay your comments until a later time. If you don’t know the person well, it is still a smart strategy for giving yourself time to prepare for the potential emotional reaction or a myriad of possible responses. When you are consistent with your assertiveness, they learn that when your answer comes, it will be honest, neutral and loving.

Ben applies a process of thinking through the principle of why he will stand by what he is about to say so he can speak to that principle in the moment. Even if a disagreement arises, it doesn't have to be an emotionally driven conflict.

Relating to the interlaced theme of judgment, when you say, “I don’t know” the response could well be, “Well, you should know!” “What’s the problem – why can’t you talk about it?” “How could you not know?” When we are used to hearing that judgment, we shy away from using, “I don’t know.” The key is that the judgment may come, but we do not have to accept it. You can reply, “I’m experiencing that you don’t accept my decision and you want me to talk about something when I’m not ready to do so. I told you what I think and I can’t choose for you to believe it.” Ben sometimes uses, “I have no more words for you.” If the other person has no genuine interest in coming to a point of understanding, or it feels like a power struggle play, the conversation is over (at least for the time being). This returns the relationship to a neutral state where each party has a role – one delivers a message and the other receives the message – without emotion or defensiveness in a loving conversation.

One must be willing to let things go, whether it's a relationship, a result or an expectation you have to be ready to let that go in order to be assertive. Otherwise, you relinquish your empowerment and become vulnerable to victimization.