When we’re not taken seriously, it is a reflection of a gap in our relationship to the person in question. Flip this around, and it’ll make more sense. Think of people you don’t take that seriously. Why is that? It could be because they’ve acted unreliably in the past, so you doubt them. You may not think they have your best interests at heart, so you discount their advice. You may have experiences of them that lead you to conclude they’re self-interested, egotistical, or deceptive. Or it might be that you can just never figure out where they get their weird ideas. 

As you’re reading, you may have thought of specific people that fit one or more of the examples above. Flip it back around to when you feel you’re not taken seriously. This reaction usually indicates we’re feeling unheard, unvalued, or unappreciated. 

Often, we find ourselves in one of the four relationship gaps: 

• The trust gap - We may not be trusted by the person. 
• The understanding gap - We may not be understood by the person. 
• The love gap - The person may think we don’t care about them. 
• The judgment gap – The person may have an unkind or unfavorable opinion of us. 

How do you get people to start taking you seriously? 

Before even looking at how to close these four gaps, being taken seriously starts with taking yourself seriously. Your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions should be in harmony with each other, and you can sense when any one of those isn’t in alignment with your core values and beliefs. This discord shows up as inconsistency. If you’re OK with these inconsistencies, you’re broadcasting to the world you don’t take your own conduct seriously. And if you don’t take yourself seriously, no one else will. 

People want to relate to you - the real you. Whenever you try to put on a mask or hide your authentic self, inconsistencies are bound to appear. These inconsistencies create distance in any relationship, which show up as a gap. Fake it until you make it simply doesn’t work in this case. People can smell masks and false personas from a mile away (even if they don’t say anything). 

Until you commit to becoming more authentic, the rest of this article will be useless to you. When you’re approaching things from the perspective of becoming authentically you, then you can start to work on closing gaps that have formed in your relationships. 

Being taken seriously starts with taking yourself seriously. 

Closing the trust gap 

Closing the trust gap comes by following through on your agreements and taking responsibility for where you fall short. People don’t lose trust because you fail at doing something. They lose trust when you don’t clean up your mistakes and make it right. As you put in the effort to make things better, you’ll gain trust in yourself, and others will come to trust that you’re putting forth your best effort. Regaining lost trust comes only after you show improvement. 

Closing the understanding gap 

Often, when we are misunderstood, we get emotionally defensive. This usually happens because we’re afraid of the judgment that might come in the misunderstanding. Or we might feel like what we’re talking about is so obvious that it shouldn’t have been misunderstood in the first place. 

People will take you more seriously when they know you can get your point across well.

What we sometimes fail to recognize, or forget in the moment, is that everyone experiences a situation from their own point of view. This point of view is filtered and informed by their own unique experiences, beliefs, and biases. What’s obvious to one person might be completely foreign to someone else. We all tend to dismiss things we can’t square with our world view, including the people you’re talking to.  

The way to close this understanding gap is to communicate. All. The. Time. There’s no such thing as too much communication so long as you follow these three simple guides: say it clearly, say it simply, say less. Be as clear as possible. Avoid over-explanation. Don’t keep repeating yourself after you’ve been heard. People will take you more seriously when they know you can get your point across well.  

Closing the love gap 

Let’s assume for this one that you do care about the other person. (If you don’t, that’s a different topic). That being true, a gap can form when people don’t feel cared for. Usually this happens because we haven’t found a way to convey our caring in a manner they can connect with. 

Maybe we’re coming across as self-centered. Maybe we take the relationship a little too much for granted. 

Love grows when we show that we care. So it’s on us to take extra effort to demonstrate our caring. It’s not enough to rely on past actions. And it’s not enough to tell them you care.  

You can’t create a better relationship by showing how great or knowledgeable you are. You can only create it by showing how much you recognize how great someone else is. John Maxwell puts it best in his book, “Becoming a Person of Influence.” Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care (2). 

Closing the judgment gap 

The paradox of the judgment gap is that people always form judgments about us. The real gap here is when those judgments are based on a false or incomplete perception of who we are. If you’re thinking this sounds like working on our integrity and authenticity, you’re right! 

You may have been taught “don’t worry what others think of you” growing up. That’s true… IF you’re being authentically true and are in integrity with yourself. 

False judgment fades when we are true to ourselves. Either the opinion changes as the other person experiences who we truly are, or we stop caring about the opinion because we’re not trying to perform for others. 

5 ways people don’t take you seriously - and how to change them 

Keeping the gaps above in mind, here are 5 things you can take action on today that will close one (or more) of the relationship gaps. I wish personal growth was as straightforward as “this thing will close that gap,” but it’s not. Life often doesn’t point us in a straight line. You’ll be able to see the gaps at work in the following list. They’re common things we all have to work on at some point. You can trust that working on changing these things will have a significant impact on improving your relationships, and then people will start to take you more seriously. 

1. You’re consistently  late for appointments 

Consistent lateness shows people you either don’t care about your commitments or are unable to keep them. Either way, your actions teach people you can’t be counted on. This is often a symptom of a crack in your personal integrity (which we talked about above). Lateness always creates a breakdown in trust. 

How to change it: 

In my past, I was someone who didn’t give a second thought to being right on time. If I was a minute or two late, so what? It’s not like a minute makes a difference. That all changed when I began working for Mad Science, a children’s science enrichment company, their standard was “if you’re not 15 minutes early… you’re late!” Why did they hold that line? Because we taught science classes to elementary students after school. If we weren’t in the room when the students were released from their homeroom to go to our class, there would be 20 unsupervised kids running around! If we weren’t on-site 15 minutes ahead of time, the secretary of the school would (understandably) get nervous and call our office. “Where’s your instructor?” You can imagine the impact this had on relationships all the way around. 

False judgment fades when we are true to ourselves.

This experience was the first time I really understood that every minute matters. You have to decide that your minutes matter. Commit to Mad Science’s mantra. “If you’re not 15 minutes early… you’re late!” When you do, even if you arrive late to your standard, you’ll still end up 5-10 minutes early. Reliable people get taken more seriously than unreliable ones. 

Take ownership of your lateness. Stop blaming your late behavior on traffic, the weather, your alarm clock, or anything other than the simple fact that you didn’t leave in time to get there. Even when there are legitimate circumstances, the fact that you’re consistently late shows a pattern of poor planning that you and you alone bear responsibility for. 

When you take personal responsibility for your lateness, you will experience a shift inside yourself. You’ll care more about being on time. You’ll start to take steps to make sure you are on time – no matter the circumstance. Because the alternative – if you’re fully responsible – is to admit you can’t do it. And no one wants to be that person… including you! 

2. You lack confidence 

A common myth people hold onto is “Everything would be OK if I just had confidence.” The reason this never leads anywhere is because confidence is a trailing indicator. That means that we don’t experience confidence about an area of our life until we’ve achieved results in that area.  

Tony Schwarz speaks to this in his book, “The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working: Fueling the Four Needs that Energize Great Performance.” He sums it up like this: “The best way to build confidence in a given area is to invest energy in it and work hard at it (4).” 

Any win, no matter how small, begins building confidence. Because others take confident people more seriously, focusing on your own self-wins is vital to being the confident person you want to see in the mirror. 

How to change it: 

I held onto this false belief for years. I read up on confidence. I watched YouTube videos, read blogs, looked into all the “how to get more confidence” gurus at the time. None of it worked. I started to seriously wonder if there was something wrong with me. 

Results build confidence. There’s no other way to make it happen.

This may come as no surprise to you, but this happened at the same time money was tight, my relationships were rocky, and things looked bleak. I felt myself slipping into despair. 

I can remember exactly when a switch got flipped in my head. I was sitting with my roommate at the time, Will Bradshaw. We were both in our 20s. We were renting a small house in a modest neighborhood and both working multiple jobs to make ends meet. 

One night, I was complaining to Will about how much life stunk. I was feeling stuck and didn’t really have a clear idea of how to shake things loose. I remember whining to Will (at the end of a series of rants), “Why is life so HARD?” 

Will looked me dead in the eye and said, “Ben, my friend.… If life was easy, EVERYONE would be living it.” 

My whole mindset stopped. Will had just slammed me into a mental brick wall. I had never once considered that my life was hard because I was struggling for something better. Years later, a mentor of mine would put it this way: “It’s in the struggle that growth happens.” 

Today, I mentor, coach, and teach people how to make the most of themselves. And Will? He’s an international magician. 

Confidence doesn’t come first. The struggle comes first. Continuing to apply yourself, working to better yourself, and reaching for your dreams comes first. It won’t be easy, and it’s not supposed to be. The people that embrace the struggle are the ones who are rewarded with results. Results build confidence. There’s no other way to make it happen. 

3. You talk more than you listen 

In Steven Covey’s book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People,” he stresses the importance of this in Habit #5, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” A good summary of the chapter can be found in an article on the FranklinCovey website (1). In that chapter, Covey says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

When we talk more than we listen, we often end up listening only enough to find a place to talk again. This is usually born out of good intentions to get our point across. But the end result is that we may focus on the words being said but miss the other person’s point entirely. Worse, we may only pretend to be paying attention or selectively filter which parts we listen to and which we ignore. 

In effect, we end up not taking the other person seriously enough to listen in an effort to understand their point of view. When that happens, we have set the stage for others to respond in kind and take us less seriously. 

How to change it: 

The simple truth about relationships is: nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. No one likes a know-it-all. Nobody wants to be cut off, talked over, or have their ideas dismissed. 

When I was in fourth grade, I knew I was a comic genius. I just knew it. My jokes were killers! Everyone needed to hear them. One Sunday after church, I was following my church school teacher through the halls and laying my best jokes on him. I must have followed him around for several minutes with non-stop humor delivery. 

As we rounded the corner towards the kitchen, he abruptly turned on his heel. His stop was so sudden I almost ran into him. He looked down at me with a tight expression on his face and barked, “Ben! You are NOT funny. And nobody cares to hear what you have to say!” 

Talk about harsh reality! It was all I could do to keep my composure as I quickly fled to contemplate my destroyed ego. Now, his delivery might not have been the best… but his point was clear. I was so wrapped up in my own need to be heard, I hadn’t even thought about checking to see if he was interested. 

That was the first time in my life I had ever considered that maybe valuable interaction meant making room for other people to share the conversational space, and it wasn’t the last. But that moment is the one I remember and continue to think about when my extrovert self wants to dominate the room. 

When interacting with others, make sure the other person has a place in the conversation. Take the time to bring genuine curiosity to every interaction. Let the other person go first. Trust that there will be time to share your thoughts. But first: look, listen, and ask deeper questions to fully understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. If you don’t, you may be on the receiving end of “nobody cares to hear what you have to say.” 

4. You’re emotionally out of balance 

We’ve all known that boss who comes from the “yell louder until performance improves” school of management. We all know a person who tantrums whenever life doesn’t go their way. And we all know the kind of results that gets them. Employees who don’t care. People who tune them out and try to just “smile and nod” until they’re done. This is the price of emotional imbalance. 

Chances are, you’ve been out of balance at some point in your life. But if you find yourself emoting in almost every situation, or overemoting when the pressure is on, you’re likely to be taken less seriously. 

If you want to start gaining EQ, it starts by owning your emotions and speaking to them.

Don’t get me wrong. Emotions are good. Feelings tell us when we’ve hit something real, or when we’ve tapped into our passion. But knowing when and how to emote in relation to others is a key aspect of developing and keeping strong relationships. As John Maxwell said, “Good leaders know when to display emotions and when to delay them (5).” This ability to have awareness of, and exert self-control over, your emotions is often referred to as part of Emotional Intelligence, or “EQ.” 

We’re emotional creatures and you need to find healthy ways to let your emotions come up and through you. But mentally strong people very rarely act on their emotions. Rather, they process the emotions and return to a neutral, centered place before acting. 

How to change it: 

The other night, I was tired. I had a cold. It was a struggle to clear through the head-fog that comes with a cold to focus on things. Megan was already asleep and none of my three daughters were. I made a terrible decision. 

My daughters are 9, 5, and 2. I let them engage in craft projects and “spa night” without supervision. I retreated to my office. 

Unsurprisingly, when I re-emerged from my office to finally tell them it was bedtime, there was water from the foot bath all over our hardwood floors. Flour blanketed the kitchen like a fresh snowfall. Lotion graced the side of the couch, coating it in the same “face mask” my middlest daughter had put on herself. Hair dye had exploded in the bathroom. They tried to clean it up with a white bath towel. 

Things were a mess. But that wasn’t my terrible decision (just a poor one). 

I had run out of energy and patience long ago. So I pulled out the oldest trick in the daddy playbook: yelling. I’m very good at yelling. I know this about myself. I know that when I am emotionally out of balance I bluster and shout. This was my terrible decision. 

Almost immediately, I got the results of my choices. My oldest started shouting back (guess where she learned that from?). My middlest retreated to her bed. My youngest burst into tears. 

What I wanted was to be listened to and for things to be fixed. What I got was emotional chaos. Everyone stopped listening, and everything fell apart. 

It wasn’t until things had calmed down a little and I was able to tell them that I was out of patience and struggling with self-control that things started… slowly… to improve. The damage was already done, and the house was left to be messy. But at least we were able to end the night with songs and good night hugs. 

The best part for me was watching my oldest daughter immediately switch from defending herself and her sisters to empathizing with me. “I’m sorry you’re feeling so sick, daddy.” As soon as I explained how I had lost control and owned it, my daughters could move on. More importantly, it allowed me to regain inner balance as well. 

If you want to start gaining EQ, it starts by owning your emotions and speaking to them. Then you have to clean up the mess you made in the relationship.  Finally, find the emotional strength to delay emotions until you can express them safely. Don’t take them out on others as I did in the story above.  

5. Your body language doesn’t match your message 

In the 1960s, Professor Albert Mehrabian conducted studies on how nonverbal cues affected communication (3). He showed that body language and tone were much more influential than words in cases where the nonverbal cues mismatched or augmented the word being spoken. I It’s clear to see that if your body language doesn’t match your message, people will be confused or led to false conclusions. This makes it very hard to take your words seriously. 

Consider this: have you ever laughed nervously while trying to make a serious point only to be admonished with, “You think this is funny?” That’s an example of mismatched cues. Here’s another mismatch relevant to our modern business world: If you’re on a virtual meeting and you’re looking at a second screen away from your webcam, people will get the signal that you are disengaged or ignoring them. 

How to change it: 

Every time you get feedback that someone experiences you in a way you didn’t intend, take time to explain what you’re doing, thinking, or feeling. Then, reflect on how your body language, facial expression, and tone might have come across that way. Until you become aware of your body’s expressions, you can’t act to change them. 

My dad can be a pretty stoic guy at times. He has one particular habit of becoming completely expressionless and silent when he’s thinking. To those that don’t know him, he might come across as checked out or aloof. 

So imagine my surprise when, in the early years of my marriage, Megan, my wife, snapped at me for checking out in the middle of our conversations! I defensively responded with, “I wasn’t checked out. I was thinking!” 

A few seconds passed… and then, BAM! The realization bus hit me. I had picked up the same behavior pattern my dad used. 

Now that I was aware of it, I could take action to change it. I didn’t want that to be the tone of our relationship, so I did two things. First, I started training myself to say, “I’m thinking,” when I noticed myself going into a deep think. Second, I asked Megan to ask me if I was thinking whenever she perceived  me as checked out. 

The first part helped me shift my behavior. The second part helped guard against relationship damage in the meantime. 

The key point is this: once you become aware of your own nonverbal cues that aren’t working, take action! 

What happens when people start taking you seriously 

Choosing to become more authentic to your true self is hard, especially when you’ve already been inauthentic to yourself in the past. You may find yourself thinking that you’ve already “burned your bridges” with some people in your life with your actions. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Find small ways in your daily life to implement the changes listed above, and you’ll find that you’ll become  more authentically you every day.  

When the people in your life notice you’re striving to improve your character, they’ll start to take you more seriously and support you as you’re trying to better yourself. They’ll even start to hold you accountable to your new growth, and you’ll find it harder to slip back into old patterns of behavior. In the end, it will actually be easier to stick to your new, more authentic self.  

If you’re struggling to identify ways you can implement changes like these listed above, take a look at our website or our Facebook page. We have Unconditional Conversations every week, where we dive into a topic and discuss how to become more authentically you! 

References 

1.  FranklinCovey, “Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood,” https://www.franklincovey.com/habit-5/ 
2. John Maxwell, “Becoming a Person of Influence,” https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Person-Influence-Positively-Impact/dp/0785288392 
3. Albert Mehrabian, “Silent Messages,” https://www.amazon.com/Silent-messages-Albert-Mehrabian/dp/0534000592 
4. Tony Schwartz, “The Way We're Working Isn't Working: Fueling the Four Needs that Energize Great Performance,” https://www.amazon.com/Way-Were-Working-Isnt-Performance/dp/1451610262 
5. John Maxwell, “The 360 Degree Leader: Developing Your Influence from Anywhere in the Organization,” https://www.amazon.com/360-Degree-Leader-Developing-Organization/dp/1400203597