Assertive Boundaries - How to Create Healthy Relationships

This is the first in a series of blogs unpacking the information we shared on December 14, 2021, “How to be More Assertive in Life.”  Please refer to that blog for an overview of assertive behavior.

What is Assertiveness?

What is assertiveness?  It’s almost easier to say what it isn’t!  Assertive behavior is not bullying or imposing my will on another to get my own way.  It is a mindset that enables one to use a more skillful communication style.  Moreover, there are many benefits for those who adopt an assertive outlook on life.

According to Mental Health America:  You have the right to judge your own behaviors, thoughts and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.  We disagree with the principle of this statement; it doesn't make sense to say you have the right to judge yourself.  Our perspective on life is to stop judging entirely, starting with self-judgment!  This mindset is inherent in an assertive person’s behavior.  It’s OK to be yourself if you take responsibility for the outcomes, especially how you affect others.  If your behaviors, thoughts and emotions are bad… take action to minimize negative consequences for yourself and others.

In a relationship, you have a responsibility to be assertive and transparent about your thoughts and feelings without the undue influence of another.  If you are unsure of what you want, you will deny that you have control over your thoughts or feelings.  You will blame others when you don’t feel fulfilled.  For example, if you’re talking to someone who makes you feel angry, take responsibility for your feelings and choose a proper response.  Remember, not responding is one of the possible choices.  The choice is embedded in assertive behavior; you own the power whether to respond to external stimuli.

What is the result or outcome of a lack of assertiveness in my behavior?

Distrust emerges.  People know when you're telling them what you “really” believe and think or just reciting what you think they want to hear.  You teach them to distrust you and they choose to accept it to avoid a potentially negative outcome.  When you tell someone, “that's fine” they accept it because it’s easier than digging into your feelings.  It sends their antenna up and they have to decide if they will harbor any emotion about that or just let it go.   Over the long term, repeated distrust and discord lead to bitterness.

Being assertive in an unassertive space

If you practice assertiveness regularly and are surrounded by people who know you well, they trust that you will respond truthfully to a question.  However, if you are in a situation with a new work team or classmates, or a larger group of acquaintances, others will not take your words at face value, because people are not accustomed to trusting each other.  When I'm in a group of new people I choose deliberately not to have much preference regarding group activities.  In serious circumstances where I do have a preference, I'll say so.  

When I get together with friends to play a board game, and there are ten options on the table, I don’t really care, although there might be one that I do not want to play.  Others may assume that I'm just being passive or not advocating for myself.  They push back against my non-decision:  Are you sure?  Isn't there one of them that you'd rather play?  They want me to have a good time (co-dependent behavior) but I choose whether or not I enjoy our evening. 

If you have an unassertive mindset, you will defer any decision to someone else.  For example, you plan to meet a friend for dinner, and she refuses to offer a suggestion of where to go.  Does she not care at all what she eats?  She insists that you make the choice while assuming that you are working on a hidden agenda (because that’s what she is doing).  If the food or the service isn’t very good, she’s not to blame.  People tend to think that others think the same way they do so an unassertive person assumes you are unassertive, too.  Will you have a relationship conversation about the lack of transparency in the decision-making process?

If I’m an aggressive person, I assume you are aggressive, so I’ll go on the attack because if I don’t, I’ll get hit back.  I’ll say, “We're going to this restaurant.  I defy you to choose a different restaurant.”  You better have a really good reason why you don’t want to go there. The aggressive person doesn’t want to get beat out on making the choice.  They are expecting a fight and want to win – get it over – quickly.  This is not assertiveness and constitutes another form of codependency. 

"No" is a valid answer

An assertive person says here is what I prefer and here’s what I don't prefer, and I understand that the group dynamic plays a role and that I may not get my preference.  The assertive person knows that you can ask for what you want but “No” is a valid answer to any question. Both are true - if you ask for what you want, and no isn't a valid answer you're aggressive because it wasn't really a question. 

I asked my child, “Will you take out the garbage?”  The child said, “No.”  It was not a question despite how it was phrased.  In my mind, I said, “Take out the garbage now.”  I value teaching my child that assertiveness is more important than getting that chore done now.  Because I asked it as a question, I accept his answer.  I’m not being soft, or a bad parent by letting it go, even though he knew what I meant.  He may have had an internal dialog about it, and consciously or subconsciously decided to take me at my word and decline the invitation.  Or maybe he just decided to test me at that moment!

Assertive people take each other at face value and teach other people how to treat them.  When you assume that a passive person told you the truth (when they didn’t) they may harbor resentment which leads to relational damage.  Handled properly, it can promote relational cleansing.  I can someone to treat me assertively so that they don't get caught in a co-dependent trap.  I say, “I assume you're telling me the truth.”  Why would someone lie to me?  Don’t get mad because I accepted what you told me.

What are the emotional and mental effects?

Relationships really hinge on being assertive; Lynn had first-hand experience in her marriage.  An assertive person has a responsibility to explain unassertive behavior to their spouse if they care enough about the relationship to stay in it.

If someone can't accept the premise of assertive behavior, the relationship deteriorates because the unassertive person wants to hold you accountable for their feelings as well as what they think and what they do.  They perceive that your assertiveness is aggressive or unloving and if the two mindsets work with that the relationship will fail.  In my company, most of the staff that leave feeling resentful is the result of their inability to understand assertiveness.  They feel victimized. The relationship is the key factor.  If I care about you, I take responsibility for how I communicate (using relationship skills like finesse).  You are responsible for your perception of that conversation.

A neutral emotional charge is part of the assertive approach.  If I say, “Why are you such a jerk?”  I have chosen to acquire your emotions and anger or to anchor my emotions on you.  I must own what's about to happen in response.  Instead, if I say, “I do not like how this conversation is going.  I am experiencing a lot of tension.  I need to take a break.”  That was all about me expressing what I wanted, which was to protect our relationship.  Ideally, we can revisit that moment and we can work toward forgiveness versus resentment.  When an unassertive person understands assertive behavior and agrees with it you will make relational progress.  We want a neutral space in the middle where we can walk away with dignity.   

Whether or not the relationship works will be a factor of our mindset; there are seven billion people on the planet and not everyone will relate well with you.  If I am not going to relate well with you, it is OK.  I still want both of us to feel mostly clean when we agree that the relationship is not going to work. That’s why marriage can be hard because despite our best intentions we are all codependent to some degree.  A spouse may say, “I just want to make you happy; I don’t want you to be angry tonight.”  That is not an assertive motivation, it is a codependent motivation but sometimes the spouse may value peace in the home over anything else at that time.

Do I have a duty to worry about what others think of me?

In a close friendship, a marriage or a parent-child relationship, I have a duty to comport myself in an authentic way.   If I was authentic and transparent, then I am not responsible for your feelings or what you think about me.  I have a duty to be neutral in my emotions so that our relationship is based on reality.  You take me at face value because I’m comfortable in my skin and I don't have any power over you.